I am struggling big time. I have no time and no motivation. I am working on my second straight 20 hour day, I am eating like shit, and I can't manage to find the time to workout. My weight is fluctuating 6 pounds or so a week. I can't seem to get below 150 and stay there. I have NO will power right now.
I HAVE to start blogging here everyday and keeping myself accountable. However, I seriously don't have time. I am choosing to type here at 10:52 pm instead of either going to bed or finishing the test recovery packet that I need to have done tomorrow.
So far today I have gotten up at 4AM
Went to work at 4:45 AM
Wrote a student notes packet
Made 1000+ copies of all of the packets
Taught all day
Had 2 different meetins during my prep period
Scarfed down my lunch at 9:00AM because I give up my lunch to help students
Had 2 meetings after school
Came home and graded 100+ tests
Wrote a test revision
Ate way too much fucking food
And now I still need to put contact paper on 30 sheets of paper
Write a test recovery packet
And oh yeah...try to get some damn sleep.
I just can't keep doing this. Something has to give and right now it has been exercise and proper eating. I just grab candy to keep me going all day. Yeah...1 year of no junk food and now I am eating like I did before surgery. I know that I have to stop, but I am not certain how I am going to do that.
I have some big decisions to make and some prioritizing to do. And I desperately need to train. I have a half marathon in 1 month!!!!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Life can be mean
So just as I start to get back in the swing of things...my mother-in-law dies. It has been a terrible ordeal for the last 2 weeks but the outlook of getting back on track seems to be getting closer. I have lost a few of my "found" pounds but the result of the last couple of weeks have derailed the process a bit.
I am continuing to run and exercise and that helps a bit. I took another bereavement day today in order to catch my breath and get caught up at work. Then hopefully tomorrow I will be back to some sense of normalcy. We will see though. When it rains...it pours!
I am continuing to run and exercise and that helps a bit. I took another bereavement day today in order to catch my breath and get caught up at work. Then hopefully tomorrow I will be back to some sense of normalcy. We will see though. When it rains...it pours!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
SOOOOOOOO close
1 hour 0 minutes and 58 seconds. And I am so damn proud. My first race back and I beat my PR by 20 minutes!!!! It was not as downhill as they claimed however! There were some significant inclines at the beginning of the race.
On another good note...I lost 3 pounds this week and am thankfully below that dreaded 150 pound mark that I had hit.
I am thouroughly exhausted however and am going to sleep so that I can get up EARLY in the morning and get to work to grade projects.
On another good note...I lost 3 pounds this week and am thankfully below that dreaded 150 pound mark that I had hit.
I am thouroughly exhausted however and am going to sleep so that I can get up EARLY in the morning and get to work to grade projects.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Okay...I'm back
I think I am doing better now. Pretty much off the meds and feeling more like myself. I am back posting on LBT.
I went and got a fill yesterday so that should help with being hungry all the time.
As for running... I have my first race tomorrow. It is a 10K that is pretty much all downhill so I am really hoping to run it in under 1 hour. I have been at the gym (or run) everyday this week except once and several of those days I burned over 750 calories.
Feels good to be back!
I went and got a fill yesterday so that should help with being hungry all the time.
As for running... I have my first race tomorrow. It is a 10K that is pretty much all downhill so I am really hoping to run it in under 1 hour. I have been at the gym (or run) everyday this week except once and several of those days I burned over 750 calories.
Feels good to be back!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Meds suck
Okay...not blogging because this medicine is making me not give a shit about anything. Yes...I am trying to get off of it.
School did start and so far...I LOVE MY CLASSES. It is really the only thing I care about.
On that note I am going to bed at 7:30 because I just don't care to do anything else!
School did start and so far...I LOVE MY CLASSES. It is really the only thing I care about.
On that note I am going to bed at 7:30 because I just don't care to do anything else!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Torture...Day 2
Okay, I am supposed to be working with a bunch of highly intelligent adults that are specifically charged with educating our youth. So tell me WHY they would ask these questions during our training on the new phone system.
Q. It says to answer the phone that you can press the speaker button. What if I don't want everyone to hear my conversation.
A. Uhhhhhh...pick up the phone receiver. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!
Q. SInce our laptops internet connection plugs into our phone does that mean that we still have to charge them with the plug in.
A. Yes. The phone line does not charge your lap top. That requires electricity.WHAT AN IDIOT!
Okay what makes this worse is that it was asked by 2 fellow science teachers. No wonder our country scores so poorly on science testing.
Yep...we will be here all week folks. Tune in for Karri's daily update on the worst week of school. Damn I miss the kids. They are the fun part of the job...most of the time!
Q. It says to answer the phone that you can press the speaker button. What if I don't want everyone to hear my conversation.
A. Uhhhhhh...pick up the phone receiver. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!
Q. SInce our laptops internet connection plugs into our phone does that mean that we still have to charge them with the plug in.
A. Yes. The phone line does not charge your lap top. That requires electricity.WHAT AN IDIOT!
Okay what makes this worse is that it was asked by 2 fellow science teachers. No wonder our country scores so poorly on science testing.
Yep...we will be here all week folks. Tune in for Karri's daily update on the worst week of school. Damn I miss the kids. They are the fun part of the job...most of the time!
Monday, August 25, 2008
MAKE IT STOP!
So this has NOTHING to do with weightloss, weight gain, lap band or running. So what do I want to stop.
MEETINGS!!!! When I signed on to be a teacher I apparently failed to realize the amount of MEETINGS that I would have to endure.
So what was on agenda today...
1. Breakfast of champions
a. Bagels (can't eat)
b. Muffins (can't and won't eat)
c. Doughnuts (haven't had one in over a year and not starting now!)
d. Bananas (healty but I can't eat them)
e. yogurt (thank goodness finally something that I can eat...though it doesn't keep you full very long!)
2. Rock, Paper, Scissors game. Sorry folks I can't make this stuff up... We played 2 different versions of this game for 20 minutes!
3. Introduction and welcome from administrative staff....At least I got a nap. Damn...missed out on buzz word bingo this year. Though if I had to guess I would say that COMMUNICATION, LISTENING AND COMMUNITY would have been the big three. But I didn't keep track considering that I was looking at the NEW standards that Oregon put out. Yippeee...I just got the old ones perfectly integrated.
4. Lunch - Healthier (salad, BBQ chicken, baked beans, potato salad). C'mon I didn't say UBER healthy...I just said healtier.
5. A recognition of those that have earned a degree in the last year....ummmm good for you, but what about those of us that ALREADY have master's degrees. Guess I graduated in the wrong year!
6. INSURANCE PRESENTATION!!!!! SNORE! Boy we have SHITTY insurance this year. It sucks for those of us that don't go to the doctor very often. We get hit with HUGE deductibles and copayments. I won't start on how much I HATE our union.
7. Are you ready for the most exciting part of the day!!! A 2.5 hour presentation on Sexual Harrassment Prevention. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So that was my day. 7 AM to 3 PM! Why is it that I teach again????
MEETINGS!!!! When I signed on to be a teacher I apparently failed to realize the amount of MEETINGS that I would have to endure.
So what was on agenda today...
1. Breakfast of champions
a. Bagels (can't eat)
b. Muffins (can't and won't eat)
c. Doughnuts (haven't had one in over a year and not starting now!)
d. Bananas (healty but I can't eat them)
e. yogurt (thank goodness finally something that I can eat...though it doesn't keep you full very long!)
2. Rock, Paper, Scissors game. Sorry folks I can't make this stuff up... We played 2 different versions of this game for 20 minutes!
3. Introduction and welcome from administrative staff....At least I got a nap. Damn...missed out on buzz word bingo this year. Though if I had to guess I would say that COMMUNICATION, LISTENING AND COMMUNITY would have been the big three. But I didn't keep track considering that I was looking at the NEW standards that Oregon put out. Yippeee...I just got the old ones perfectly integrated.
4. Lunch - Healthier (salad, BBQ chicken, baked beans, potato salad). C'mon I didn't say UBER healthy...I just said healtier.
5. A recognition of those that have earned a degree in the last year....ummmm good for you, but what about those of us that ALREADY have master's degrees. Guess I graduated in the wrong year!
6. INSURANCE PRESENTATION!!!!! SNORE! Boy we have SHITTY insurance this year. It sucks for those of us that don't go to the doctor very often. We get hit with HUGE deductibles and copayments. I won't start on how much I HATE our union.
7. Are you ready for the most exciting part of the day!!! A 2.5 hour presentation on Sexual Harrassment Prevention. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So that was my day. 7 AM to 3 PM! Why is it that I teach again????
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Effexor Sucks
Turns out my food problems ARE a reaction to the Effexor that I am on. Seems that it can cause people to become alcoholics or carboholics. Really I am not making this up. How cruel is it that a bariatric patient is given a medicine that has a side effect that makes them crave sugar.
These are no ordinary cravings though. I know how a recovering alcoholic must feel. Last night I ate sugar right out of the bag because the cravings were so bad that I had the shakes, the sweats, and did everything in my power not to throw up. 2 spoonfuls of sugar and BAM...they were gone.
After thinking back to the last time I was on this medication I realized these were the same symptoms I had before...I just didn't know it was the meds because I had such poor eating habits anyways! I just thought I was eating 5 candy bars a day because I was a fat slob. Turns out a lot of it is my medication.
So after speaking with the doc on the phone today I am going in tomorrow morning so that we can discuss where we go from here. Seriously...I would rather be throwing turkey sausages across the room than go through what I have been going through the last couple of weeks.
These are no ordinary cravings though. I know how a recovering alcoholic must feel. Last night I ate sugar right out of the bag because the cravings were so bad that I had the shakes, the sweats, and did everything in my power not to throw up. 2 spoonfuls of sugar and BAM...they were gone.
After thinking back to the last time I was on this medication I realized these were the same symptoms I had before...I just didn't know it was the meds because I had such poor eating habits anyways! I just thought I was eating 5 candy bars a day because I was a fat slob. Turns out a lot of it is my medication.
So after speaking with the doc on the phone today I am going in tomorrow morning so that we can discuss where we go from here. Seriously...I would rather be throwing turkey sausages across the room than go through what I have been going through the last couple of weeks.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Food = Enemy
I think my meds are screwing me up. Why you ask?
1. I am always starving even when I am full to the point that it hurts to eat any more.
2. I am craving sweets and I am not a sweet eater.
3. My band is tighter than it ever has been and I am still constantly hungry.
So why do I attribute this to my anti-depressant/anxiety meds. Well because this is exactly how I felt during the year before I got banded when I was on it. During that year I packed on a HELL of a lot of pounds and I refuse to do that again.
Now we have to play a game though. I will be working 2 jobs for the first trimester of school (teaching at the high school and at a local university) so I will not have the time or the energy to be obssessed about the calories like I was. So I don't think that I can just go off the meds. But on the other hand I can live with those feelings while I CANNOT live with gaining weight. I have worked too damn hard to go back.
I have a doctor's appt on Friday to discuss this with her. My PCP is fantastic so I have little doubt that she will help me make an informed decision.
Right now that I just have to make sure that I don't eat everything in the house and then start on the exterior. Thank goodness I do have the band. At least the pain and the fear of hurting my band is preventing a lot of overeating.
On another note...does climbing up and down a ladder a minimum of 128 times at school count as taking "it easy on the exercise for the next 2 weeks"?!?!?!
1. I am always starving even when I am full to the point that it hurts to eat any more.
2. I am craving sweets and I am not a sweet eater.
3. My band is tighter than it ever has been and I am still constantly hungry.
So why do I attribute this to my anti-depressant/anxiety meds. Well because this is exactly how I felt during the year before I got banded when I was on it. During that year I packed on a HELL of a lot of pounds and I refuse to do that again.
Now we have to play a game though. I will be working 2 jobs for the first trimester of school (teaching at the high school and at a local university) so I will not have the time or the energy to be obssessed about the calories like I was. So I don't think that I can just go off the meds. But on the other hand I can live with those feelings while I CANNOT live with gaining weight. I have worked too damn hard to go back.
I have a doctor's appt on Friday to discuss this with her. My PCP is fantastic so I have little doubt that she will help me make an informed decision.
Right now that I just have to make sure that I don't eat everything in the house and then start on the exterior. Thank goodness I do have the band. At least the pain and the fear of hurting my band is preventing a lot of overeating.
On another note...does climbing up and down a ladder a minimum of 128 times at school count as taking "it easy on the exercise for the next 2 weeks"?!?!?!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Cooking Frenzy
Okay...I have got to get back into the groove with food. Things are spiraling out of control. Since gaining the 4-5 pounds after surgery I have been able to maintain but I am fighting huge battles.
So I went back to what worked. I cooked meals that will work for breakfast and lunch for the next week. Same foods that I ate when losing. I have to go back to the basics.
So quiche, chili and chicken meatloaf here I come!!!
I found new recipes for us to try for dinner that are healthy and reasonable. I have been eating "soft" foods that are just ignoring the fill in my band. I am eating too many carbs (which I don't need when I am not running!) and not enough of the proteins. It is funny how you can forget...protein, veggies then carbs...even though you have been eating just that way for a year. Funny how making me calorie binge after surgery can erase those memories so stinking fast.
But I plan on reGAINING those memories and LOSING these freaking 5 pounds!!!
So I went back to what worked. I cooked meals that will work for breakfast and lunch for the next week. Same foods that I ate when losing. I have to go back to the basics.
So quiche, chili and chicken meatloaf here I come!!!
I found new recipes for us to try for dinner that are healthy and reasonable. I have been eating "soft" foods that are just ignoring the fill in my band. I am eating too many carbs (which I don't need when I am not running!) and not enough of the proteins. It is funny how you can forget...protein, veggies then carbs...even though you have been eating just that way for a year. Funny how making me calorie binge after surgery can erase those memories so stinking fast.
But I plan on reGAINING those memories and LOSING these freaking 5 pounds!!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Permission Granted
PS gave me permission to run in the all of the races as long as I promised not to run more than 1 mile per day and no more than 3 times per week for the next two weeks. I can SOOOO hold off running if it means that I can run in three races in the next year. SOOOOO excited!
To Run or Not to Run
So I made the HUGE a$$ mistake of looking at the Portland and Seattle marathon webpages last night. They are a reasonable distance out to participate in some aspect of the running weekend, but close enough that I would have to push myself.
Portland - 5 miler: October 5
Seattle - Half-marathon: November 30
Hmmmm....can I do it? Do I want to push myself that hard?
Answers in order: I don't know and HELL YES!
So I buttered up DH when I asked what he though. He feels confident that I would be ok for the Portland 5 miler but is not so down with the half marathon in Nov. He said he would support it if I got permission from my PS. So I have an appt today with her and I will be begging!!!
My bandiversary was August 9 and what did I do to celebrate??? I ran a 5K with a not to shabby time of 34:32. Not my fastest...not my slowest, but I felt freaking fantastic. I was a little sore that night but I don't know if it was from the running or the painting.
Alright, I will update you on the decision to run when I get back from my appt. Right now I am off to run 2 miles. That is the limit that has been placed on me by DH. He wasn't so happy with the 5K that I ran. He is so afraid that I am going to push myself too hard. Probably a good thing I have him around or I would already be in the throws of marathon training. He keeps me thinking straight.
Portland - 5 miler: October 5
Seattle - Half-marathon: November 30
Hmmmm....can I do it? Do I want to push myself that hard?
Answers in order: I don't know and HELL YES!
So I buttered up DH when I asked what he though. He feels confident that I would be ok for the Portland 5 miler but is not so down with the half marathon in Nov. He said he would support it if I got permission from my PS. So I have an appt today with her and I will be begging!!!
My bandiversary was August 9 and what did I do to celebrate??? I ran a 5K with a not to shabby time of 34:32. Not my fastest...not my slowest, but I felt freaking fantastic. I was a little sore that night but I don't know if it was from the running or the painting.
Alright, I will update you on the decision to run when I get back from my appt. Right now I am off to run 2 miles. That is the limit that has been placed on me by DH. He wasn't so happy with the 5K that I ran. He is so afraid that I am going to push myself too hard. Probably a good thing I have him around or I would already be in the throws of marathon training. He keeps me thinking straight.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Goin' home
Well my former home. I am headed up to see my bro this weekend. He said he took today and tomorrow off from work so that we could spend time together. Translation: Get up here so that you can help me paint my garage and fence.
Chat Monday night!
Chat Monday night!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
EMPLOYMENT!
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....He got the job. I know some of you wanted to see a picture of DH...so here is my newly employed hubby! It is not a great picture but it will do. I also put one of our wedding pictures up here that is better.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Speed Walker!
15:30 min/mil...yes that is a far cry from my 10:30 before surgery...but we are getting close.
Okay...got a date. AUGUST 7! That is when I can start running. Of course I am supposed to take it slowly...but I get to run. I had to really resist the urge to run tonight since I was walking on my own. However, I was a good girl and only walked. It was nice to finally sweat a little.
On another note I think DH got the job. He actually had 2 interviews today but we should know about the one tomorrow. Sounds very likely. The guy he interviewed just had to clear it with his boss and then will call DH with the start date tomorrow. PLEASE OH PLEASE!!!! If he gets this job I get the girls done sooner!!! It will still be at least a year but it is better than the 2 that I am expecting!
Okay...got a date. AUGUST 7! That is when I can start running. Of course I am supposed to take it slowly...but I get to run. I had to really resist the urge to run tonight since I was walking on my own. However, I was a good girl and only walked. It was nice to finally sweat a little.
On another note I think DH got the job. He actually had 2 interviews today but we should know about the one tomorrow. Sounds very likely. The guy he interviewed just had to clear it with his boss and then will call DH with the start date tomorrow. PLEASE OH PLEASE!!!! If he gets this job I get the girls done sooner!!! It will still be at least a year but it is better than the 2 that I am expecting!
Got a fill!
So I can't really report too much on the fill because I have been on liquids for the last 2 days. For the first time in a long time though it was not painful. Due to the TT, the scar tissue that was sitting on top of the port was moved and we got the needle in on the first try! YEAH. The last time I had to get an unfill we bent a needle. Yes that was VERY painful.
I only got 1cc because 1.4cc was too much. Mine are done under fluoro and we could see how slowly the barium was going through. Besides I told her she HAD to be conservative because my fills seem to tighten up later.
I do seem to not be as hungry though. For the last couple of weeks I have been waking up in the middle of the night and in the morning absolutely STARVING. So far that has not happened since the fill. I have breakfast in front of me right now and I seem to be getting satisfied on 1 turkey sausage and 1 fried egg. Hopefully this is a good sign!
I will hopefully be posting pictures this weekend. Everyone keep their fingers crossed as DH has a job interview again today. We REALLY need him to get this job!
I only got 1cc because 1.4cc was too much. Mine are done under fluoro and we could see how slowly the barium was going through. Besides I told her she HAD to be conservative because my fills seem to tighten up later.
I do seem to not be as hungry though. For the last couple of weeks I have been waking up in the middle of the night and in the morning absolutely STARVING. So far that has not happened since the fill. I have breakfast in front of me right now and I seem to be getting satisfied on 1 turkey sausage and 1 fried egg. Hopefully this is a good sign!
I will hopefully be posting pictures this weekend. Everyone keep their fingers crossed as DH has a job interview again today. We REALLY need him to get this job!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Gettin' a fill!
My doc was able to move up my fill date to Tuesday!! Thank goodness. The scale is moving in an unkind direction. I am starving constantly and I am freaking out! I have been unfilled for over 3 months and it is starting to wear on me. I paid 17000$ for this tool...I guess I should use it.
According to Webster's Dictionary
Main Entry:
in·som·nia
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈsäm-nē-ə\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin, from insomnis sleepless, from in- + somnus sleep — more at somnolent
Date:
circa 1623
: prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep
Yep...that's me!
in·som·nia
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈsäm-nē-ə\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin, from insomnis sleepless, from in- + somnus sleep — more at somnolent
Date:
circa 1623
: prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep
Yep...that's me!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Getting Faster!
I walked 3.25 miles tonight and did it under an hour! Much faster than the last walk.
The bloating/swelling is HORRIBLE today. I have been on carbs for 2 days and I look like I swallowed a freaking watermelon. So PS said to go back to low carb...already had! According to the scale I am up 7 pounds. Yeah...I am a little freaked out.
On a good note, doc wants me to come back in next Wed and we will discuss getting me back to running. Best stinking news I have heard in a long time!
Looks like we are going to WA for my dad's birthday since I got permission to travel. We were going to leave Friday but there is a get together at a fellow teacher's house on Saturday so we are going on Sunday instead.
The bloating/swelling is HORRIBLE today. I have been on carbs for 2 days and I look like I swallowed a freaking watermelon. So PS said to go back to low carb...already had! According to the scale I am up 7 pounds. Yeah...I am a little freaked out.
On a good note, doc wants me to come back in next Wed and we will discuss getting me back to running. Best stinking news I have heard in a long time!
Looks like we are going to WA for my dad's birthday since I got permission to travel. We were going to leave Friday but there is a get together at a fellow teacher's house on Saturday so we are going on Sunday instead.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Cabin Fever
So I don't live in a cabin and my temperature is 98.6 degrees, but I am going crazy. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!
I am so sick of being in this area. I need to get out. I have a doc appt tomorrow and then I am going to try and get permission to travel for a bit. I am going stark raving MAD. I want to get in the car and drive until I can't see the crappy brown of this god foresaken area.
I am so sick of being in this area. I need to get out. I have a doc appt tomorrow and then I am going to try and get permission to travel for a bit. I am going stark raving MAD. I want to get in the car and drive until I can't see the crappy brown of this god foresaken area.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
3 miles!
YEAH!!! I walked three miles tonight. I felt great. Though I have to say when you start getting tired, it hits you quite quickly. We were at about 2.5 miles and I felt a wee bit tired and then ...BAM...all of a sudden I felt like I was going to need to take a nap right there on the street.
Not much else to post. I did go to Goodwill today in an attempt to start filling my closet. Though I made a BIG mistake and didn't take my binder with me. NOT a good idea. We are going to a few stores tomorrow to see what is happening in the clearance sales and I WILL be wearing my binder except when I am actually trying on the clothes.
Still leaking. Have an appt with the doc tomorrow to check the incisions.
Not much else to post. I did go to Goodwill today in an attempt to start filling my closet. Though I made a BIG mistake and didn't take my binder with me. NOT a good idea. We are going to a few stores tomorrow to see what is happening in the clearance sales and I WILL be wearing my binder except when I am actually trying on the clothes.
Still leaking. Have an appt with the doc tomorrow to check the incisions.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sprung a leak
So when I sat down to eat my breakfast this morning...this is the sight that greeted me on my t-shirt. At first I thought I had spilled something on me when I was making breakfast but after further investigation I realized that I was leaking out of my incision.
Off to the doctor we go. On the way there I leaked through three gauze pads, my underwear, and another t-shirt. *Sigh*
PS said it was alright and not all that uncommon. She said even though the drains were low when she took them out that I may have needed them longer. She said she would rather have the liquid coming out than staying in. So in order to protect my clothes I am wearing a feminine pad across my belly. Talk about sexy!
She also didn't like the way my binder was fitting so she is ordering me a new one. All part of the cost! So I should be getting a binder that is a little longer so that it can cover the entire belly. She is having it sent fed ex to us so we should get it tomorrow.
Other than that all is well. I went back to lower carb today because when I woke up this morning my face was all swollen. I realized that I was eating a lot of carbs lately because they are easy. However, they are causing some issues and I think contributing to my swelling. So for the next few days I am going to eat high protein and low carb. Yes I ran it by the doc and she said she doesn't care as long as I get my calories and my protein. Well I think low carb qualifies!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Surgery pics!
My plastic surgeon just sent my pictures from surgery. She thinks it is kind of strange that I am posting them on my blog...but I think it is cool. After all...my dream job was a forensic pathologist. I just couldn't bear to go to medical school for 15 years to work on dead people. Okay I am rambling because the last picture is a little disturbing and I don't know how to disguise it. So I want to make sure that it doesn't just show up on everyones computer screen. The last picture is of the skin that they removed. I don't think it is gross...but if you have a squeamish stomach...you might not want to scroll down.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Yeah...exercise!
So my nike+ system doesn't give you a congratulations on "your slowest mile yet" but I don't care. I still did a mile! A little over actually. So much for my 10:30 min/mile though. This was agonizingly slow!
Sometimes I really wish that my tummy tuck had hurt more. Then I wouldn't be so anxious to get back out there and exercise.
Devil Vs. Angel
Okay stepped on the scale again today and what do you know...the 2 pounds I "gained" during my doctor prescribed calorie fest are gone. Looks like it was swelling related. NOT good for the brain. Now I have that little angel/devil thing going on in my brain.
Devil - "You ate all that food and didn't gain any weight. You never let yourself go hungry. If you were hungry you just ate and NOTHING happend. Just keep doing that and you will be fine. Not one thing was measured and the world didn't crash"
Angel - "Yeah you ate the food cause you were a week out of surgery and all those calories were needed to HEAL. You aren't going to be healing forever so you had better just get your a$$ back to the way things are supposed to be, get a fill, and deal with the hunger. You have done this for the last 11 months...why would you even think of straying now"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! Make the voices stop!
Devil - "You ate all that food and didn't gain any weight. You never let yourself go hungry. If you were hungry you just ate and NOTHING happend. Just keep doing that and you will be fine. Not one thing was measured and the world didn't crash"
Angel - "Yeah you ate the food cause you were a week out of surgery and all those calories were needed to HEAL. You aren't going to be healing forever so you had better just get your a$$ back to the way things are supposed to be, get a fill, and deal with the hunger. You have done this for the last 11 months...why would you even think of straying now"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! Make the voices stop!
Are you kidding me?
No kidding...Last night I was sooooooo freaking tired that I actually fell asleep within a half hour of laying down. I was finally drifting off into lala land when at 4:15AM the street sweeper comes rolling down our block. Only I think they were actually scrubbing the street. The damn thing went by 3 times making the LOUDEST noise possible. Naturally I wake up.
Okay an hour later I finally drift back to sleep. Then not 15 minutes later the garbage truck is picking up the dumpster across the street. Can it be done quietly?!?! HELL NO! Clang, bang, scrape. AGGGHHHHH Can't I just get some freaking sleep?!?!?!
On a good note here is my new running tank. In this picture there are no binders, no undergarments, nothing...just my bare belly and my shirt. Pretty freaking amazing even to me!
Okay an hour later I finally drift back to sleep. Then not 15 minutes later the garbage truck is picking up the dumpster across the street. Can it be done quietly?!?! HELL NO! Clang, bang, scrape. AGGGHHHHH Can't I just get some freaking sleep?!?!?!
On a good note here is my new running tank. In this picture there are no binders, no undergarments, nothing...just my bare belly and my shirt. Pretty freaking amazing even to me!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Race Pictures
Here is the address for the race pictures from the half-marathon. http://www.finishshots.com/racerresults3.php?raceid=552&bibnumber=4640 Can't tell if I look constipated or in agonizing pain in the first one. I will tell you it is pain, but you wouldnt' be able to tell from the picture alone. I tried to paste the pictures in but they showed up too small.
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On the plastic surgery front I got my last drain out today. I have been given permission to start 1 mile per night walks and to go back to 1500 calories tomorrow. YEAH! No running for 6 weeks though. GRRRRR.
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On the passing out front...I am going to my PCP tomorrow. Hopefully she will take me off the meds. I talked to a friend today who had been on it and she had the exact same problems. Mystery solved...I hope.
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Pardon the periods between the paragraphs. It wouldn't let me put spaces between my paragraphs and there is a certain person who reads this blog that has a REAL problem when people don't use paragraphs...and considering all those raging hormones with that pregnancy...I think we will all just be happier if there are spaces between the paragraphs (Love Ya LJM!)
AWAKE!
So it is now officially 2:28 AM...I went to bed at 10:00PM. Let's recap what has happened during these last 4 hours.
1. Took meds including 2 tylenol PM
2. Read an ENTIRE book. 414 pages...thank you very much
3. Kissed DH good night and listened to him start snoring.
4. Layed in bed with eyes closed...listening to DH sleep.
5. Turned on right side with eyes closed tightly
6. Went back to my back with eyes closed tightly.
7. Peered at clock with one eye...10 minutes had passed
8. Screw it got out of bed...going to work on school stuff.
THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!
1. Took meds including 2 tylenol PM
2. Read an ENTIRE book. 414 pages...thank you very much
3. Kissed DH good night and listened to him start snoring.
4. Layed in bed with eyes closed...listening to DH sleep.
5. Turned on right side with eyes closed tightly
6. Went back to my back with eyes closed tightly.
7. Peered at clock with one eye...10 minutes had passed
8. Screw it got out of bed...going to work on school stuff.
THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Almost bit it
Uggghhh... Almost biffed it this morning getting out of bed. Holy crap I got so lightheaded. My legs were shaking, I almost threw up (that would hurt), and my vision was going in and out. So now I can't walk my mile today. I am pissed off BIG TIME! I do get to walk to the library, but that is about 3 blocks from here.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Mixed Bag
Today was quite a mixed bag. I pretty much didn't sleep last night despite being exhausted. I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I could find a comfortable place to sleep because I was so full from trying to force feed myself to get in calories. Add to that my incredible swelling and it made for a WONDERFUL night.
I was up at 4AM because I was just sick of laying in bed. So between then and about 3PM I was a total bitch. Grumpy as all hell. Fortunately I was smart and didn't take it out on DH...just sat in my chair and pouted.
Got a phone call that told me that all of my blood work came back normal. So I am apparently passing out for no good reason! Good thing since that is what my diagnosis was from dipshit doctor.
Finally I got tired enough to take a nap and woke up in a much better mood. I have been given permission to take tylenol pm so that is what I just did. No I am heading off to bed.
Will post new pictures tomorrow!
I was up at 4AM because I was just sick of laying in bed. So between then and about 3PM I was a total bitch. Grumpy as all hell. Fortunately I was smart and didn't take it out on DH...just sat in my chair and pouted.
Got a phone call that told me that all of my blood work came back normal. So I am apparently passing out for no good reason! Good thing since that is what my diagnosis was from dipshit doctor.
Finally I got tired enough to take a nap and woke up in a much better mood. I have been given permission to take tylenol pm so that is what I just did. No I am heading off to bed.
Will post new pictures tomorrow!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Doctors, doctors,doctors
What a day. I am very tired and sorer today than I have been because we have been running around since 10:30 this morning. I went to the plastic surgeon and she checked out the scar to make sure that I didn't hurt anything during my graceful (NOT) fall yesterday. She was very concerned that I was still light headed and that my pulse was at 90. Normally it is at 60. She didn't think that it had to do with the surgery however. She said I lost VERY little blood. Her best guess was that it is a combination of the heat and low blood sugar, but she wanted me to get checked out by my primary care physician. The she removed the drain (will take pictures tomorrow) which didn't hurt too bad. I now know what it would feel like to have a moving snake under your skin though. It felt kind of weird. Then she gooped me up with neosporin and sent me on my way with the promise that I would see my other doc.
Alright...back in the car and headed back to our town. Called my doctor and described my situation. When the receptionist took the info back to the doc and the nurse they said there was NO way they could fit me in today and that I was to go to Urgent Care or the ER immediately. They were not happy with the fact that my pulse was so far away from normal. So we drove to urgent care where I had the DUMBEST doctor in the world. He said that your pulse being 30 beats per minute higher was not a big deal. He said it was just a big combo of everything culminating together that caused me to faint and that he feels that anyone that faints within 20 feet of bathroom has nothing to worry about. I still don't know how that can be true...just ask my very sore heiny, shoulder and back! So he did decide to run a few tests just to rule out anything substantial. (Great I should just start a tab at the local lab...just got a pre surgery bill for 138.00$ today) They did a urine analysis to check if I was preggo (he wouldn't take my word that I couldn't be even though they did the day of surgery...go figure...this guy was a real creep) and to see if there was blood in the urine. Both came back negative (yeah...coulda told you I wasn't pregnant) Then they did an EKG which turned out perfect. Finally they were going to do some blood work to check for anemia, electrolyte imbalance and protein levels. This is where things got FUN!
I have pretty tiny veins so they had to poke me 4 times. Now I am not afraid of needles at all. The problem was the way they had me seated. My muscles were burning. I could literally see my belly swelling as I was sitting there because my PS doesn't want me in my binder except at night or if I am really sore because of the heat fact...so it was in the car. After almost 2 hours in the urgent care office...we were starving. So we finally got something to eat. I can't be below 2500 calories so I am going to have to drink some calories for the next couple of days.
Well I am tired and going to go take a nap with DH! That guy is amazing!
Alright...back in the car and headed back to our town. Called my doctor and described my situation. When the receptionist took the info back to the doc and the nurse they said there was NO way they could fit me in today and that I was to go to Urgent Care or the ER immediately. They were not happy with the fact that my pulse was so far away from normal. So we drove to urgent care where I had the DUMBEST doctor in the world. He said that your pulse being 30 beats per minute higher was not a big deal. He said it was just a big combo of everything culminating together that caused me to faint and that he feels that anyone that faints within 20 feet of bathroom has nothing to worry about. I still don't know how that can be true...just ask my very sore heiny, shoulder and back! So he did decide to run a few tests just to rule out anything substantial. (Great I should just start a tab at the local lab...just got a pre surgery bill for 138.00$ today) They did a urine analysis to check if I was preggo (he wouldn't take my word that I couldn't be even though they did the day of surgery...go figure...this guy was a real creep) and to see if there was blood in the urine. Both came back negative (yeah...coulda told you I wasn't pregnant) Then they did an EKG which turned out perfect. Finally they were going to do some blood work to check for anemia, electrolyte imbalance and protein levels. This is where things got FUN!
I have pretty tiny veins so they had to poke me 4 times. Now I am not afraid of needles at all. The problem was the way they had me seated. My muscles were burning. I could literally see my belly swelling as I was sitting there because my PS doesn't want me in my binder except at night or if I am really sore because of the heat fact...so it was in the car. After almost 2 hours in the urgent care office...we were starving. So we finally got something to eat. I can't be below 2500 calories so I am going to have to drink some calories for the next couple of days.
Well I am tired and going to go take a nap with DH! That guy is amazing!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Passed Out
So I had the scariest moment of my life about 2 hours ago. I went in to take a shower and DH was in there with me until I sent him out to get a clean towel from the cabinet. In the 20 seconds he was gone I passed out in the shower. I have a nice bruise on my left shoulder and the middle of my back from hitting the faucet. As soon as he heard me hit the tub he rushed in and I was sitting in the tub. I don't remember anything between the time he left and the time he came back in. Then as he was turning off the water and holding my head...I passed out again. I guess I was only out for a split second that time but when I came too I felt like I was in a tunnel. My vision was blurred with starry images and my hearing was very distant. Seriously scared. Then I was afraid to look down. I feared that I was going to be sitting in a red bath tub...but alas I was not. I didn't split a single stitch but I think I almost pulled out my drains. My stomach doesn't hurt at all but my drains hurt like a B!TCH. I called the doctor but she hasn't called me back yet.
I was feeling really good today. A little tired because we went to the store to get some Kashi cereal that was on sale today, but we walked slowly and it wasn't very long. When we came home I laid in my chair and listened to my book because I was kind of tired. I got up, took some pictures and then went to take a shower. I felt great. The whole passing out thing was kind of a shock!I am feeling better now except for my sore butt and back. Plus I have gained an extra shadow. DH won't let me go anywhere or do anything without him being a shadow. I guess it is a good thing. He is making dinner right now and telling me that I have to eat, eat, eat. He is convinced that I am not eating enough. He could be right considerng that after eating today I stepped on the scale and I was down 5.5 pounds. They only removed 4 pounds of skin so I have lost weight since surgery. So between now and Sunday I am going to eat whatever he feeds me and not ask about calories.
Doc still hasn't called so I will have DH call here on her cell phone. I want to make sure that there is nothing that I could have done internally.
I was feeling really good today. A little tired because we went to the store to get some Kashi cereal that was on sale today, but we walked slowly and it wasn't very long. When we came home I laid in my chair and listened to my book because I was kind of tired. I got up, took some pictures and then went to take a shower. I felt great. The whole passing out thing was kind of a shock!I am feeling better now except for my sore butt and back. Plus I have gained an extra shadow. DH won't let me go anywhere or do anything without him being a shadow. I guess it is a good thing. He is making dinner right now and telling me that I have to eat, eat, eat. He is convinced that I am not eating enough. He could be right considerng that after eating today I stepped on the scale and I was down 5.5 pounds. They only removed 4 pounds of skin so I have lost weight since surgery. So between now and Sunday I am going to eat whatever he feeds me and not ask about calories.
Doc still hasn't called so I will have DH call here on her cell phone. I want to make sure that there is nothing that I could have done internally.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Picture Time!
Here are three pictures that I took before my shower today. The shower was not good. I was really, really dizzy and almost passed out. It hurts to be out of the binder.
Doctor is very happy with the results as am I. There is definetly some poochiness at the top near the breasts but she said that if she had tried to fix it now it would have had minimal improvement and prohibited a reverse tummy tuck in the future, which is what is needed to remedy the extra skin.
I had to really black out parts of the picture so that there are no problems with my teaching status.
Shower Time!
I just got back from the doctor and YEAH I can take a shower today. When I take my shower I will take pictures and I will post them. The plan is to take my shower around 3ish so I should have pictures up by 5. My tummy looks really good. There is a fair amount of loose skin towards my breasts but it still looks a million times better than it did. I was so excited to see my belly button. I will post more later.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Itchy, Itchy, Scratch, Scratchy
Good morning. Pain is down to almost zero and my appetite is back a little. I actually wanted to eat this morning.
I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 145 but that is will all the bandages on and all my clothes on. So I am definetly lower than that. The draining has slowed WAAAAAY down. In fact I am hoping that the right one wil come out tomorrow at my post-op appointment.
However...the ITCHING IS KILLING ME! Did anyone else have incredible itching. I feel like I have bugs crawling underneath my binder. I didn't have lipo so I don't know why it is so unbearable. I am actually itching everywhere...but under the binder is awful.
I had my first experience with a bowel movement yesterday and that was NOT fun. I have been taking stool softeners but it didn't help yesterday. So I doubled what I was taking for future encounters!
Again I hope to post pictures tomorrow!
I did sleep much better last night. Still not sleeping through the night and I will ask the doc about that tomorrow, but I slept for longer periods of time and when I woke up I didn't stay up as long.
I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 145 but that is will all the bandages on and all my clothes on. So I am definetly lower than that. The draining has slowed WAAAAAY down. In fact I am hoping that the right one wil come out tomorrow at my post-op appointment.
However...the ITCHING IS KILLING ME! Did anyone else have incredible itching. I feel like I have bugs crawling underneath my binder. I didn't have lipo so I don't know why it is so unbearable. I am actually itching everywhere...but under the binder is awful.
I had my first experience with a bowel movement yesterday and that was NOT fun. I have been taking stool softeners but it didn't help yesterday. So I doubled what I was taking for future encounters!
Again I hope to post pictures tomorrow!
I did sleep much better last night. Still not sleeping through the night and I will ask the doc about that tomorrow, but I slept for longer periods of time and when I woke up I didn't stay up as long.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Not sleeping
Good afternoon. Not much to post. We are going to take out the pain pump later today. I am in a lot less pain today. I was able to lie down in my own bed this afternoon and get some sleep. I still am not able to sleep for more than about an hour at a time. If it doesn't get better by Monday I am going to ask her for some sleeping pills. It isn't pain that is preventing me from sleeping...I just can't sleep. My eyes are tired and I lay here with them closed, but alas...I do not sleep.
I am still draining quite a bit from the left side, but not a whole lot from the right. Still don't have much of an appetite. DH went to the store to get a rotissarie chicken as there was nothing in the house that I wanted to eat. I am at 53 grams of protein right now so I will get higher with the chicken. I will then eat a protein bar or a sandwich tonight when I take my antibiotic so I should be close to 100 grams again. I am trying to eat more...I am just NOT hungry.
Well we are still not able to see anything so I will be posting pictures after the doctor's appt on Monday.
I am still draining quite a bit from the left side, but not a whole lot from the right. Still don't have much of an appetite. DH went to the store to get a rotissarie chicken as there was nothing in the house that I wanted to eat. I am at 53 grams of protein right now so I will get higher with the chicken. I will then eat a protein bar or a sandwich tonight when I take my antibiotic so I should be close to 100 grams again. I am trying to eat more...I am just NOT hungry.
Well we are still not able to see anything so I will be posting pictures after the doctor's appt on Monday.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
More surgery update
The surgery was 4.5 hours long and I was discharged 1 hour and 15 minutes after the surgery was finished. Yeah....they are very efficient there!
The doctor has already called me at home to make sure that everything is going well. She is the sweetest lady ever. Then the anethesiologist was a hoot. Seriously had the best bedside manner ever. Those guys are usually stuffy jerks but this one was cracking jokes and we were talking chemistry right up until I dozed off. She was not able to get the tummy TOTALLY flat but said that she would do that at a significant priced reduction when I have my breast lift. When they do the breast lift she will use the same incisions to do a reverse tummy tuck. I just had SOOOOOOO much extra skin. She just didn't want to compromise blood flow. So there will be a tiny little pooch right underneath my breasts but the rest of the tummy will be flat. She actually went out and discussed it with DH before making the final decision on what to do. She could have made the decision on her own, but instead opted to discuss it with family...how cool is that! She truly is an amazing woman and doctor. You can already see improvement. I am obviously still in the binder but it is so flat! Makes my boobies look REALLY big now though! DH says he is going to have to get two sticks to beat off the high schoolers! I already had a few flirting with me at the end of last year. Kind of creepy...no one ever hit on me when I was fat. At first I didn't even notice that they were doing it...then I got freaked out.
My post op is on Monday. DH will pull out the pain pump on Saturday. She said I could wait and just have her remove in on Monday but DH is enjoying playing doctor way too much! He is the greatest guy ever. Though I had to pee in front of him for the first time ever and had a bit of pee fright....I just couldn't go. Finally I did and we were both laughing at me cause I would stop and go, stop and go....I know...TMI but it was funny.
The left drain is draining MUCH more than the right one. When we emptied it there were 40 ml in the left and 5 in the right. Significant difference!
Okay I think I posted everything I know so far. If something comes up I will let you know.
Cheers to the end of Jabba the Hut!
The doctor has already called me at home to make sure that everything is going well. She is the sweetest lady ever. Then the anethesiologist was a hoot. Seriously had the best bedside manner ever. Those guys are usually stuffy jerks but this one was cracking jokes and we were talking chemistry right up until I dozed off. She was not able to get the tummy TOTALLY flat but said that she would do that at a significant priced reduction when I have my breast lift. When they do the breast lift she will use the same incisions to do a reverse tummy tuck. I just had SOOOOOOO much extra skin. She just didn't want to compromise blood flow. So there will be a tiny little pooch right underneath my breasts but the rest of the tummy will be flat. She actually went out and discussed it with DH before making the final decision on what to do. She could have made the decision on her own, but instead opted to discuss it with family...how cool is that! She truly is an amazing woman and doctor. You can already see improvement. I am obviously still in the binder but it is so flat! Makes my boobies look REALLY big now though! DH says he is going to have to get two sticks to beat off the high schoolers! I already had a few flirting with me at the end of last year. Kind of creepy...no one ever hit on me when I was fat. At first I didn't even notice that they were doing it...then I got freaked out.
My post op is on Monday. DH will pull out the pain pump on Saturday. She said I could wait and just have her remove in on Monday but DH is enjoying playing doctor way too much! He is the greatest guy ever. Though I had to pee in front of him for the first time ever and had a bit of pee fright....I just couldn't go. Finally I did and we were both laughing at me cause I would stop and go, stop and go....I know...TMI but it was funny.
The left drain is draining MUCH more than the right one. When we emptied it there were 40 ml in the left and 5 in the right. Significant difference!
Okay I think I posted everything I know so far. If something comes up I will let you know.
Cheers to the end of Jabba the Hut!
I am home!
I got home about 2 hours ago. I am not in a whole lot of pain. I was just a little sleepy when I got home. According to the doctor she removed about 4.1 pounds.
I have NO appetite though!
I have NO appetite though!
Leaving
We are leaving in about 5-10 minutes. Updates will come when DH emails LJM. Thanks again to all the well wishers.
I leave here looking like Jabba the Hut and will return looking like a short Mexican version of Heidi Klum. Okay stop laughing...no seriously...stop!
I leave here looking like Jabba the Hut and will return looking like a short Mexican version of Heidi Klum. Okay stop laughing...no seriously...stop!
A wee bit nervous...to say the least
So I am not nervous about going under or the pain...I am nervous that I am not going to recognize my own body. I know that is the point of this surgery (I type rolling my eyes!), but damn...these 2 "fabulous" rolls have been with me as long as I can remember. My belly button hasn't seen the light of day since I was "knee high to a grasshopper" as my grandmother would have said.
My brain hasn't caught up with the weightloss...though I did see my legs in the reflection of a door the other day...and thought..dang those are some thin legs! But I digress. I am excited and nervous at the same time to NOT see rolls. It is really hard to describe the feeling. But alas I sit here at 4:30 AM not sleeping. I guess I will be sleeping a lot today so it is not a big deal.
Thank you to all the well wishers. I am going to be nerdy and will be taking lots of pictures that we can document with. I will post when I feel up to it.
Okay I will check back in right before we leave.
My brain hasn't caught up with the weightloss...though I did see my legs in the reflection of a door the other day...and thought..dang those are some thin legs! But I digress. I am excited and nervous at the same time to NOT see rolls. It is really hard to describe the feeling. But alas I sit here at 4:30 AM not sleeping. I guess I will be sleeping a lot today so it is not a big deal.
Thank you to all the well wishers. I am going to be nerdy and will be taking lots of pictures that we can document with. I will post when I feel up to it.
Okay I will check back in right before we leave.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Surgery Time
Quick update. Surgery will be at 9AM tomorrow...Pacific Time! I have to be there at 8AM. I will post before I leave tomorrow.
LJM will post for me (Thank you!!!) when I get out of surgery. It is a six hour surgery so I should be out around 3PM.
LJM will post for me (Thank you!!!) when I get out of surgery. It is a six hour surgery so I should be out around 3PM.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Finally Posted!
Official time: 2:40:29! Here are the stats:
Official Pace: 12:15
Age division rank: 76 / 96
Overall rank: 768 /1161
Gender Rank: 495 / 842
I am thrillled with the results. I can't imagine what they would have been if I had not been injured. Next year...I will own that course.
I just now know that I have to train in heat. I think that was one of the biggest downfalls. I had run 12 miles with the injured leg before...but it was in cool weather. The heat and I think some dehydration got the better of me and sped up the injury. Oh well...live and learn. Not too freaking shabby for my first attempt!
Official Pace: 12:15
Age division rank: 76 / 96
Overall rank: 768 /1161
Gender Rank: 495 / 842
I am thrillled with the results. I can't imagine what they would have been if I had not been injured. Next year...I will own that course.
I just now know that I have to train in heat. I think that was one of the biggest downfalls. I had run 12 miles with the injured leg before...but it was in cool weather. The heat and I think some dehydration got the better of me and sped up the injury. Oh well...live and learn. Not too freaking shabby for my first attempt!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Still no official results
The results are posted for Friday's events so I am assuming that Saturday's events will be posted tomorrow. I really want to know the time.
As for my leg update...it is really freaking sore! Lots and lots and lots of icing. I honestly don't think there is a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt. Most of it is from some mild dehydration. I have gone through several bottles of powerade zero today to get my body weight back up. I was down 3 pounds this morning due to dehydration. The last time I stepped on the scale about 2 hours ago I was up to my pre race weight so that is an improvement.
My foot is not much better than my leg. Unlike the last time the pain really is very localized so I am assuming that it is a stress fracture. I am icing and resting that as well. There will be NO working out before surgery. I have to make sure that I am well hydrated before going in on Thursday. We will be going to a fun center for my birthday so I will be bowling and mini golfing but nothing too strenuous. I promise I am resting and taking care of myself!!!
As for my leg update...it is really freaking sore! Lots and lots and lots of icing. I honestly don't think there is a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt. Most of it is from some mild dehydration. I have gone through several bottles of powerade zero today to get my body weight back up. I was down 3 pounds this morning due to dehydration. The last time I stepped on the scale about 2 hours ago I was up to my pre race weight so that is an improvement.
My foot is not much better than my leg. Unlike the last time the pain really is very localized so I am assuming that it is a stress fracture. I am icing and resting that as well. There will be NO working out before surgery. I have to make sure that I am well hydrated before going in on Thursday. We will be going to a fun center for my birthday so I will be bowling and mini golfing but nothing too strenuous. I promise I am resting and taking care of myself!!!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Fat Chick to Athlete
I finished it in an unofficial 2:41:11 according to my i-pod. Race results have not been posted yet. I will update as soon as I have.
The run did not go as I had planned. I was not able to run the entire thing due to a MAJOR injury at mile 8. My leg is quite swollen...but I pushed through the pain as much as I could and slow jogged as much as possible. The achilles tendon is very sore and yes...I shed tears on the course from the pain. I also ALMOST threw up from the pain. The couse was AWFUL. I don't know how you get a circular course to be almost all uphill... but they did. We also started late and the last 5 miles are in the open...no shade and it was 89 degrees by the time I finished. However, I am still thrilled with my results. My ultimate goal was to be under 2:30...but that was pretty farfetched. Had I not had an injury...I would have easily made it. For the first 8 miles I was averaging a 10:33 min/mile. I would have EASILY been in under the time. However, even with walking part and the injury...I still made it in under my reasonable goal of 2:45. As I said before...I don't have the official results yet and I forgot to turn off my ipod so the time should be more like 2:40 something.
I am VERY pleased with the run. I was afraid that I would be disappointed in myself...but I am not...This is an AMAZING accomplishment. I am so proud of myself. I have not only overcome 105 extra pounds, but if you could feel the pain that I experienced through most of this run...you would understand why I couldnt' run the entire thing. The pain in my leg was so severe that at one point the aid station people suggested that they call a medic. Since my leg was not discolored or bruised I figured that the tendon had not torn and I was going to finish. I walked/limped as fast as I could and did run the last mile. That takes determination and guts.
I did it...I did it...I did it!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Final Tune UP
I went for a one mile run with DH tongiht. OMG...it felt so good. It was like eating an entire carrot cake after being on Taliban Atkins for months. (That is what my dad and I call it when we eat less than 5g of carbs a day!) There was a bit of pain in my knee, hip, and foot...but none in the tendon. I think I was just super sensitive to feeling any little thing.
I am so not a girly girl, but I do have to post what I am going to wear tomorrow. I have switched to a running skirt (it is actually a tennis skirt... again I wanna be like LJM!), a blue tank top, blue and white running socks, and a blue hair band. Got my hair cut yesterday so the hair band is new! I am going to be fashion diva out there. Well...except that my white compression garment to hold Jabba the Hut in place pokes out the bottom...and if I run fast enough and flap my arms the bat wings my just help me fly to the finish line. But other than that...I should look as HOT as the weather!
I will post here as soon as I get home from the half tomorrow. I know that we are going out to lunch at a local "drive in" as I get a free day tomorrow. I should burn off about 1500 calories depending on my pace. So on those days I pretty much let myself eat what I want. Apparently this place has one hell of a burger...and I am going to have one. Okay...I am going to have 1/4 of one. I guess they are HUGE and I still can't eat much...see post from earlier today.
I am so not a girly girl, but I do have to post what I am going to wear tomorrow. I have switched to a running skirt (it is actually a tennis skirt... again I wanna be like LJM!), a blue tank top, blue and white running socks, and a blue hair band. Got my hair cut yesterday so the hair band is new! I am going to be fashion diva out there. Well...except that my white compression garment to hold Jabba the Hut in place pokes out the bottom...and if I run fast enough and flap my arms the bat wings my just help me fly to the finish line. But other than that...I should look as HOT as the weather!
I will post here as soon as I get home from the half tomorrow. I know that we are going out to lunch at a local "drive in" as I get a free day tomorrow. I should burn off about 1500 calories depending on my pace. So on those days I pretty much let myself eat what I want. Apparently this place has one hell of a burger...and I am going to have one. Okay...I am going to have 1/4 of one. I guess they are HUGE and I still can't eat much...see post from earlier today.
Holy Crackers Batman
I am stuck...majorly stuck. Foamy, sliming, golf ball stuck. Make it go away! We are going on an hour here people!!!
WASA crackers look like cardboard, taste a little like cardboard when going down, and taste MAJORLY like cardboard when sitting in your esophagus. OUCHY!!!
WASA crackers look like cardboard, taste a little like cardboard when going down, and taste MAJORLY like cardboard when sitting in your esophagus. OUCHY!!!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Leg
My leg is feeling good. I didn't do anything yesterday. Today I am going to run 1 mile and then walk a few more just to keep the legs moving. 48 hours from now I will be in the middle of my half-marathon. I am so excited...and nervous. It is supposed to be 97 degrees here that day...with possible thunder showers! The race starts at 8AM so hopefully it will be cool until 10:45 which is when I should finish.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Injury...Again
So the tendon is acting up today...along with my left knee. So I am officially done with training. No more running between now and the race on Saturday. I will walk 3 miles everyday, but I will not be doing any running. I did get my 3 miles in today, but my leg was really tight when I got home. My knee hurt when I was coming up the stairs.
My stupid hyperventilating is back though...don't know what the hell is up with that.
My stupid hyperventilating is back though...don't know what the hell is up with that.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Major Slacking
Before LJM bites my head off ;) I had better give an update.
1. RUNNING - I had a bit of a setback when I went and ran the course at the half-marathon. I pulled up after 8.57 miles with terrible pain in my left achilles tendon. I went to the doc right away and she said to ice it and stay off of it for a couple days and then do only short runs until the half-marathon. I probably could have run through the pain on actual race day, but I didn't want to push it on a training run. THis all happened Thursday. I took Friday and Saturday off and went for a 3.75 mile run yesterday. All seemed fine. Tendon and knees seem to be holding up. I did the elipitical for 1/2 hour today and then will run Tuesday, Wednesday, and possibly Thursday. I will take Friday off except for a short walk and then run the big one on Saturday.
2. WEIGHT - I am officially a normal BMI. I have weighed in since Saturday at 145. I am excited and frustrated. I guess if I keep losing weight it is fine, but at some point I have to be able to stop. I have not been good with my calories...I just can't eat that much food. I know...everyone wishes they had that problem! I have been under calories for the last 4 days.
3. MOOD - So I am on cymbalta now, which thankfully my insurance is covering (I only have to pay 20$) but I am not sure if I like it. I have no motivation to do anything. Maybe it is just summer vacation mode, but I really don't like this feeling. I am a go getter. I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and bitch because I am bored. I do have a lot to do...I just don't want to do it. Case and point...my blog. I haven't updated for almost a week!
4. MONEY - Ahhhhh....this is the scary one. Thanks to the economy and the cost of fuel DH's last day at work is Friday. They are eliminating his position so he will get unemployment for a bit, but it is making life VERY tight right now. I found this out after I put the money down for my surgery (which he wouldn't have let me cancel anyways...love the guy!). So he has been job hunting for a week or so but hasn't found anything yet. I am trying to refinance my lapband surgery but I haven't had much luck on that front (I pay almost 700$ a month). I did get offered a position teaching at a local university for 5 Saturdays this fall so that will help ease the crunch some. We do have some money in savings that will buy us time and I am trying not to panic right now. I am not good at that!
I will be better at posting this week...promise. Maybe I will get some life back in me! I am not as tired today as I was last week. I think part of my problem was the fact that I was not getting much sleep the last couple weeks of school and that Cymbalta can cause drowsiness. I take it at night, but I think there is some lingering effects. I am usually ready for a nap right now, but I seem fine today. Keep your fingers crossed!
1. RUNNING - I had a bit of a setback when I went and ran the course at the half-marathon. I pulled up after 8.57 miles with terrible pain in my left achilles tendon. I went to the doc right away and she said to ice it and stay off of it for a couple days and then do only short runs until the half-marathon. I probably could have run through the pain on actual race day, but I didn't want to push it on a training run. THis all happened Thursday. I took Friday and Saturday off and went for a 3.75 mile run yesterday. All seemed fine. Tendon and knees seem to be holding up. I did the elipitical for 1/2 hour today and then will run Tuesday, Wednesday, and possibly Thursday. I will take Friday off except for a short walk and then run the big one on Saturday.
2. WEIGHT - I am officially a normal BMI. I have weighed in since Saturday at 145. I am excited and frustrated. I guess if I keep losing weight it is fine, but at some point I have to be able to stop. I have not been good with my calories...I just can't eat that much food. I know...everyone wishes they had that problem! I have been under calories for the last 4 days.
3. MOOD - So I am on cymbalta now, which thankfully my insurance is covering (I only have to pay 20$) but I am not sure if I like it. I have no motivation to do anything. Maybe it is just summer vacation mode, but I really don't like this feeling. I am a go getter. I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and bitch because I am bored. I do have a lot to do...I just don't want to do it. Case and point...my blog. I haven't updated for almost a week!
4. MONEY - Ahhhhh....this is the scary one. Thanks to the economy and the cost of fuel DH's last day at work is Friday. They are eliminating his position so he will get unemployment for a bit, but it is making life VERY tight right now. I found this out after I put the money down for my surgery (which he wouldn't have let me cancel anyways...love the guy!). So he has been job hunting for a week or so but hasn't found anything yet. I am trying to refinance my lapband surgery but I haven't had much luck on that front (I pay almost 700$ a month). I did get offered a position teaching at a local university for 5 Saturdays this fall so that will help ease the crunch some. We do have some money in savings that will buy us time and I am trying not to panic right now. I am not good at that!
I will be better at posting this week...promise. Maybe I will get some life back in me! I am not as tired today as I was last week. I think part of my problem was the fact that I was not getting much sleep the last couple weeks of school and that Cymbalta can cause drowsiness. I take it at night, but I think there is some lingering effects. I am usually ready for a nap right now, but I seem fine today. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Get ready to gouge your eyes out
So as if the whole world did not already know, my surgery is set for July 3 at 7:30AM. I will have to be to the surgery center at 6:30. To the dismay of many around here, this will be an outpatient surgery and is scheduled to last 6 hours. Here is what the doc said yesterday.
1. I will have 2, (possibly 3) incisions. One that runs hip to hip (about 3/4 of the way back on the hip), 1 that runs vertically from groin to breast bone, and then possibly one that is horizontal just underneath the bra line. She won't know until she sees how much puckering there will be at the top.
2. She has no idea how much muscle repair I will need. She said she wouldn't know until she gets in there.
3. She may or may not move my port. It depends on how much of a fat pad there is between my port and the muscle. If there is not a lot, she will leave it. If there is a fair amount, then she will unstitch the port, remove the fat, and resecure the port to my muscle. Lovely...port pain again! She will not be changing the location of the port and has the complete support of my lap-band surgeon.
4. She will lipo the mons area and lift as well. This is being thrown in as a bonus. She said she is not going to charge me for the lipoing of the mons area because she didn't originally think I would need it, but now she thinks it would be better. She said it is not enough to justify recalculating the fees.
5. I will be receiving a pain pump that will last for 48 hours. She gave me the option of showing me how to remove it myself (WTH!) or to move up my post-op and come in on Monday and have her remove it. I opted for the second! I am not a biologist/doctor...that is what I pay them the big bucks for!
6. She is so excited that I am running the half-marathon before surgery because it will cause great circulation and put me in the best shape of my life. She was not concerned about the weightloss because of my muscle tone. She didn't want to see me losing a lot of weight just due to low calories and poor nutrition which can be a problem for healing. But after seeing the muscle tone in my arms and legs she is EXTREMELY confident in my ability to heal quickly.
They took a bunch of pictures and I got my prescriptions for surgery. They are all liquid as this was the only thing that my lap-band surgeon suggested. I did not want to get a pill stuck and be throwing up! So I will just gag from the flavor instead. Liquid pain meds and liquid antibiotics. Sounds like a party. I can sit in my recliner like chair with a straw and party umbrella in my medical cocktail and feel like I am sitting on the beach...with my new "bikini body"!
Running Update
I have not been very good with the blogging lately. I am enjoying my vacation right now. Though as soon as DH is done with his game he is going to take my before pictures of my belly. Poor guy.
Anyways I ran 12 miles on Sunday...yep...the whole enchilada. It wasn't too bad. I finished in 2:22. Not too shabby of a time. There were a few hills at the campground that I ran at, but NONE compared to the hills on the half-marathon course. Yesterday I went and walked part of the course and CRAP!!!! There are a ton of hills, including about a .25 mile stretch that was pretty much completely uphill. So I am going to start hill training tomorrow. There is a butte that I am going to run (and hopefully not puke my guts out!) tomorrow. I am going to also try and run part of the course at least 3 times before the race. I figure if the first part is all uphill, maybe the last part will all be downhill!!!
So here are my graphs from the last 3 days.
5K run on Saturday 6/14. Finished in just over 31 minutes.
12 mile run on Sunday 6/15
Walking at the half-marathon course
Monday, June 16, 2008
Pre-Op!!
Today is my pre-op day. I will post details when I get back. I am a little nervous as I dropped three pounds this weekend. I was going to proudly tell her that yes I had lost weight but that I had maintained for several weeks...not so much. Upping my calories YET AGAIN! I will now be at the standard 2000! But I guess on a good note...I am only 2 pounds from a normal BMI!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hills
This looks like an ugly run, but in actuality it was very good! I alternated running and walking on the treadmill at a 5.5 incline the entire time. There are a couple of minor hills on the half-marathon course so I need to do some hill training. However in the town that I live in...it is either a mountain or flat...except for the one hill in the canyon.
I am also experiencing some pain in what I think is the achilles tendon...the one that runs up the back of your leg???? I am not a biologist so I don't know anything about anatomy but it is kind of sore. I keep stretching it, but I am not going to push it this week. Between this pain and my breathing I am just proud that I keep doing the 5K's. I don't think that I will make my 25 mile per week goal this week but I should come close. If I can run a 5K every day and then do the 12 miles on Sunday I can eek out 24 miles. If I can just get 1 day with 4 miles then I will make it. We are going camping tomorrow night and Saturday night, but I will make sure to get something in. I will have to go early tomorrow morning as well. However I won't have to worry about getting grades done because I plan on doing that today. So I will certainly try for 4 miles tomorrow depending on how my leg feels.
I am going to the doctor today about my breathing (though it is better this morning!) and will ask about the leg. She probably will tell me to rest it... I just might do that until Sunday when I run the 12 miles. I have all next week to make sure I get my runs in, right?!?!
I am also experiencing some pain in what I think is the achilles tendon...the one that runs up the back of your leg???? I am not a biologist so I don't know anything about anatomy but it is kind of sore. I keep stretching it, but I am not going to push it this week. Between this pain and my breathing I am just proud that I keep doing the 5K's. I don't think that I will make my 25 mile per week goal this week but I should come close. If I can run a 5K every day and then do the 12 miles on Sunday I can eek out 24 miles. If I can just get 1 day with 4 miles then I will make it. We are going camping tomorrow night and Saturday night, but I will make sure to get something in. I will have to go early tomorrow morning as well. However I won't have to worry about getting grades done because I plan on doing that today. So I will certainly try for 4 miles tomorrow depending on how my leg feels.
I am going to the doctor today about my breathing (though it is better this morning!) and will ask about the leg. She probably will tell me to rest it... I just might do that until Sunday when I run the 12 miles. I have all next week to make sure I get my runs in, right?!?!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
No Daily Doubles
Okay...I came to my senses. This is the last week of school, I have hours of grading left, and I said that I wouldn't start double workouts til next week. I decided that doubles while still working was being obsessive and since that is what I am working on...I have cancelled them. I will put my run up later today. I do have to go to the gym early again tomorrow though because of the doctor's appointment after work, followed by an end of the school year party.
Besides...I am exhausted again!
Besides...I am exhausted again!
Daily Doubles
Today is the first day of my double workout routine. My goal is to get double workouts in at least 3 days per week for the next 2.5 weeks. Hyperventilation caused me to miss my workout yesterday so I went running at 3:30 this morning (at the gym of couse...it was 28 degrees here this morning!). Will post the picture of my run later today when I run the second one. I am confident that my legs are ready for the 13 miles....not so certain about the lungs. I am breaking down and going to the doctor on Thursday in hopes of getting some help in the hyperventilation department. I was going to go to urgent care last night, but frankly I was too tired and not in the mood to see a doctor I didn't know. I figured I could wait 2 days to see my doctor. So DH bought a bottle of wine in hopes that it would relax me enough to sleep. Oh boy did it. I had a half glass of wine and it threw me for a loop. I went to bed at 6PM and only woke up once!!! That is the first time that I haven't woken up every hour in a week! Might try it again tonight.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Rug...I mean Run Burn
OWWWWWWEEEEEEEE! My run went pretty well today despite the hyperventilating (actually I didn' t have too much of a problem most of the run), but I did end up with several very nasty run burns. My running shorts are waaaaaayyyy too big and my "spanx" like garments are getting too big as well so after running for 2+ hours today the chaffing really started to hurt. This is my upper thigh.
So despite running 11 miles, my knees don't hurt, my hips don't hurt, my calves don't hurt, but this 2 inch by 2 inch piece of flesh is about to bring me to my knees. We got some bag balm to put on it cause it is excruciating. The picture shows the worst one, but I also have one on my arm, on the other thigh and under both breasts. DAMN LOOSE SKIN!
I ran 11 straight miles, though I think something went funky with my nike+ because even though I ran slow at 9 miles...I didn't think I ran THAT slow.
Yesterday I did 7 miles. Again something funky with the nike+.
Tomorrow is a rest day and then I need to get 5 miles every day running at least 3 of them...preferably 4.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Photo Shoot!
My doc is having me do a photo shoot so that I can be featured on their website, their newsletter and possibly in an advertisement campaign! HOW SWEEET! The photo shoot will be August 11 so I am hoping that I will be mostly healed from the TT!
This week is a NIGHTMARE with my schedule. I am going to go running tomorrow morning (at like 3:45 AM), go to work, then go running/walking again after work to get in my miles. There is no way that I am getting it done tonight. I am exhausted from the drive yesterday and working all day today AND running the bean bag toss at the Senior Carnival for the school. UGH..someday teaching sucks ass...today would be that day.
Well I have to figure out how to get 400 calories in my by the time I go to bed in 1 hour. I guess drinking olive oil would always do the trick...
Here is my run from yesterday. I was again working on speed so that is why it cycles pace. 
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Busy week...grrr
Okay so why can't everyone just schedule activities around MY schedule. Yesterday was a rest day...and my legs need it. Today I have to drive to WA to stay with my brother for my dr. appt tomorrow. Depending on how late it is when I get there...I might go running tonight. I am going to go running tomorrow morning before the dr. appt. Then I will drive 6 hours home. The next day I need to run as well...but I will have a lab to set up that morning and will not be able to go in the morning. After school I am helping with graduation stuff until 6:30 and don't know if I will have enough energy to run after that. Then finally Friday I should have no problem getting my workout in. Saturday needs to be a rest day and then Sunday I MUST run 11 miles/walk 1.
Dang it...LJM and Catalyst are catching up!!!
Dang it...LJM and Catalyst are catching up!!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
UNDER 30!
I did it...I did it...I did it! 29:45...and we have pictures to prove it. Just not right now. They are on DH's non-digital camera. I think we are taking them to Fred Meyers to get them developed. Look at how constant my pace was!!! And there were 2 major hills and at higher elevation.
As for the after race run...it didn't go so well. My legs were TIRED! SO I walked/ran (mostly walked) 6.25 more miles. I only got to a little over 9 miles today but is still over 25 for the week so I am happy with that. I don't have any more 5K's so now it is JUST the half marathon to prepare for. Next week we will be back to the canyon and back to training. Tomorrow is my rest day and I need it. My legs are VERY sore. Today is supposed to be a free day but I only burned a little over 1000 calories so I don't know how "free" I am going to allow it. Normally on my "free" days I burn 1400. I am convincing myself that I will be just fine!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Back to Running
I forgot to post about my run on Thursday. I a crazy new thing on the treadmill...No I will NOT be doing this again. I was trying for speed and pretty much wanted to die.
Yesterday I just DID NOT want to go to the gym or workout. I was exhausted...this has been quite the emotional week! So I went to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would go and run at least 3 miles this morning. I thought that my 5K run was today...but nope it is tomorrow. So that throws my training schedule off! But anyways...I got up this morning and did 7 miles. I ran 4, walked 2, and ran the last 1.
Tomorrow I think I am going to go run the 5K race and then we are going to go to the canyon and I will run/walk the last 9 miles for training. It isn't the perfect situation in that it won't be consecutive miles, but I guess that is what we will have to do.
Friday, May 30, 2008
I found the perfect description of me!
1. Abnormal preoccupation with ists, rules, and minor details ( yep!)
2. Excessive devotion to work (yep, yep, yep...I think getting to work at 4:30 Am and staying until 4Pm pretty much confirms that one!)
3. Stinginess with money even on essentials (Yep...I have a budget that is as strict as my menu!)
4. Perfectionism that interferes with taske completion as performance is never good enough (yep...it took my 5 hours to write my last test...and I still thought it was horrible. Oh yeah...3 of those hours were specifically on formatting!)
5. Refusal to throw anything away (not as much me...but I still have 6+ boxes of Christmas ornaments that I have been dragging around since my mom died...hmm...maybe!)
6. Rigid and inflexibe attitudes(yep that is me. Black or white... 100 snickers bars or NONE...nothing in between)
7. Upset and off-balance when rules or established routines are disrupted (hmmm...maintenance and increasing calories anyone!!!!)
So with the help of DH's degree in psychology we have come to the conclusion that I am most likely suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not to be confused with OCD where people wash their hands 110 times per day. There are similarities, but the major difference is the people with OCD know that what they are doing is abnormal, where people like me see their thoughts as totally rational.
I honestly don't see the problem in NEVER eating a snickers bar or NEVER eating McDonalds again. I know that I a lot of people see that as an unhealthy thought...but I just can't accept that. I don't see the irrationality of thinking that if I don't count my calories that I am going to end up back at 250 pounds. I guess that I know they are irrational because others tell me that they are...but in my head...I can totally justify them and see the logic in my thinking.
So what am I going to do about this since I can't afford therapy right now. Well...we went and bought a couple of books that have to deal with perfectionism. There are not a lot of books publsihed on OCPD, but most sources will send you to help with perfectionism because that is the closest connection. I bought the book last night and started reading the introduction. I felt like I was reading my biography. It was kind of freaky! I am going to read the entire book and then go back through and start doing the exercises. Of course it tells you that you don't have to do the exercise PERFECTLY...which I guess is an exercise in itself.
2. Excessive devotion to work (yep, yep, yep...I think getting to work at 4:30 Am and staying until 4Pm pretty much confirms that one!)
3. Stinginess with money even on essentials (Yep...I have a budget that is as strict as my menu!)
4. Perfectionism that interferes with taske completion as performance is never good enough (yep...it took my 5 hours to write my last test...and I still thought it was horrible. Oh yeah...3 of those hours were specifically on formatting!)
5. Refusal to throw anything away (not as much me...but I still have 6+ boxes of Christmas ornaments that I have been dragging around since my mom died...hmm...maybe!)
6. Rigid and inflexibe attitudes(yep that is me. Black or white... 100 snickers bars or NONE...nothing in between)
7. Upset and off-balance when rules or established routines are disrupted (hmmm...maintenance and increasing calories anyone!!!!)
So with the help of DH's degree in psychology we have come to the conclusion that I am most likely suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not to be confused with OCD where people wash their hands 110 times per day. There are similarities, but the major difference is the people with OCD know that what they are doing is abnormal, where people like me see their thoughts as totally rational.
I honestly don't see the problem in NEVER eating a snickers bar or NEVER eating McDonalds again. I know that I a lot of people see that as an unhealthy thought...but I just can't accept that. I don't see the irrationality of thinking that if I don't count my calories that I am going to end up back at 250 pounds. I guess that I know they are irrational because others tell me that they are...but in my head...I can totally justify them and see the logic in my thinking.
So what am I going to do about this since I can't afford therapy right now. Well...we went and bought a couple of books that have to deal with perfectionism. There are not a lot of books publsihed on OCPD, but most sources will send you to help with perfectionism because that is the closest connection. I bought the book last night and started reading the introduction. I felt like I was reading my biography. It was kind of freaky! I am going to read the entire book and then go back through and start doing the exercises. Of course it tells you that you don't have to do the exercise PERFECTLY...which I guess is an exercise in itself.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Buh Bye Scale
This is where my scale used to sit. But alas it has gone away. I don't know where it is...DH took it away from me...and I feel so much better. For the first time in weeks I don't have this nagging urge to step on the scale and see if the number is going to make me happy or piss me off. For the first time in 9.5 months....I am not defined by a number. After a LOT of soul searching and crying on the shoulders of my friends I decided this was the best thing I could do. There really is no way that I am going to gain weight if I am running 4 times per week and doing cross-training 1-2 days per week if I stick to the 1800 calories. I have proven that over the last several weeks!
Right now I feel so calm...but I know the anxiety and panic of not being able to weigh will set in. I am going to go to the library and see if I can get a few books on how to handle anxiety and fear. Perhaps that will help.
Today was my day off from running/working out and it feels nice. Tomorrow I am back out to the canyon (hopefully...we have had torrential downpours here!) to run 4+ miles.
Right now I feel so calm...but I know the anxiety and panic of not being able to weigh will set in. I am going to go to the library and see if I can get a few books on how to handle anxiety and fear. Perhaps that will help.
Today was my day off from running/working out and it feels nice. Tomorrow I am back out to the canyon (hopefully...we have had torrential downpours here!) to run 4+ miles.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
5 miles
The challenge is on...I have to double LJM to have any hope at this when I have to take a 6 week hiatus for the TT. Don't worry...I will be pulling out the whip and cracking from Oregon to Texas. This is one challenge I actually want to lose! But I am not going to make it easy!
Tiger Woods congratulated me on my fastest mile yet! I love the nike+. I forgot to shut off the system when I got off the treadmill and went to get wipes to clean it. That is the drastic drop at the end.
Why am I NOT happy????
This is deep and dark...This is part of the "UGLY" I said might come.
I was supposed to be happy this weekend. I lost 100 pounds. I am wearing (right now) a size 4. But instead of smiles, there are only tears. And not tears of joy. We drove out to Sunriver on Saturday to check out the course that I would be running in the half marathon and I was kind of giddy over the fact that I officially saw that 150 on the scale. Food was NOT on my mind. Then DH decided he was hungry and we stopped at Wendy's to eat. That is when it started. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty and I seriously get sick to my stomach. What the hell am I going to eat at fast food. I know...just know... that the moment anything from that restaurant touches my lips I am going to gain back all of the weight. I am going to stand up from the booth an be back to 250 pounds. People are going to point and laugh. So I stood in front of the nutritional chart posted on the wall and stared at it. Reading EVERY single entry and wretching at the amount of calories in everything. Finally I settle on the ultimate grilled chicken sandwich (260 calories)...but I still think that is too high...so I order it plain. Yep...just the bun and the chicken breast. The lady behind the counter (who weighed at least 300 pounds) looked at me like I was crazy. I get my order and while DH is consuming his burger I am trying to convince myself that I can eat this and not get sick. 2 bites into it I through the top part of the bun away. I tell DH it is because it is going to get stuck because it is too bready, but in reality...I don't want the calories. I am afraid. Terrified. Panicked by this point.
We left and my mood had certainly soured. We got to Sunriver and DH went in and got something to drink at the local store. By this point I had calmed down some and we drove the course. By now the self doubt had crept in and I am thinking that there is no way in hell that I am going to be able to run this....though it is no harder than the canyon I run 4 times per week. Then the worst part of the weekend happened. We finished driving the course and we started walking around the town. We walked past one of the restaurants that is in this little shopping village and there is a very thin/petite woman eating an ENORMOUS bowl of pasta with cream sauce, then we walk past the ice cream shop and yet another thin woman was standing there eating ice cream, and finally on our way back to the car we passed the grocery store where a woman (very thin) was eating a snickers bar. I started crying and DH didn't have a clue what was going on. By the time we got to the car I was sobbing. Finally after catching my breath I told him that no matter how hard I worked, I would always be a fat woman. Even though I am thin on the outside, I am still FAT, and always will be a fat person on the inside. I am addicted to food. I can't eat just one candy bar...one plate of pasta...one ice cream cone. It won't stop there. DH of course didn't buy it until I threw out the phrase "Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic." He kind of stopped short. He knew there was no point in arguing with me. I don't want to go back to the way of eating that I did before, but I also don't want to fear (like you fear a serial killer standing right in front of you) food forever. Will this feeling ever go away? The whole way back we were talking about the fact that I need to increase my calories, because I am afraid the PS will not do the TT if I am not at a stable weight. But I am resistant to increasing because of my HORRIBLE fear of gaining any weight. I want a magic number. That number where I know I won't gain or lose weight...and it doesn't exist. I had that magic number the entire time I was losing weight. If I was below 1000 calories...I lost. It was that simple. Now my safety net is gone. So basically I was sitting in the car throwing a temper tantrum. He says I have to eat 1800 calories...not under. Of course the entire time I am thinking how can I figure out a way to NOT eat that many...but stil knowing that I have to STOP losing weight. Then I figure if he makes me eat this much then I will just run more. But then I think... I don't want to lose any more weight...I just don't want to gain. I am perfectly fine where I am, but I just don't want to change. So the story gets worse. Skip forward to breakfast yesterday morning and we had waffles...Let's talk about a big baby coming out. I threw food...yep threw my turkey sausage across the kitchen because I freaked out over the calories in 1 waffle. What the fuck is wrong with me? Then the tears came....Like Niagra falls. I was on the floor in hysterics. And there was DH...just holding me and letting me cry. Yeah...I have a problem...you don't need to tell me. But we are broke...and I can't afford therapy. DH keeps telling me that gaining and losing 2-4 pounds is just something that I have to get used to...Well I don't know that I can. I gained all my weight 2-4 pounds at a time. I honestly don't believe that I am anorexic. I don't look fat to me. I don't want to keep losing weight...I just have this crippling fear that I am going to gain it all back. Maybe this is okay. Maybe this is just the reality that I have to accept. Maybe once I do that the anxiety this fear causes me will go away. Maybe accepting the fact that I will never be able to eat like a "thin" person and mourning that discovery, will lead me past all these awful fears and stop the crying.
I pretty much didn't sleep last night because I keep thinking about everything that happened this weekend. I had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I came to the conclusion that I am still fat...it just doesn't show on the outside...only on the inside...and I don't know which one is more dangerous. I am more obsessed with food now that I was before surgery. Before, my obsession with food came from a lack of caring about it....NOW it is ALL I think about. I need to figure a way to get a grip. I need to find the so called balance that DH keeps talking about. Great, I need to find a balance... Now how in the hell do I do that? I need people to stop telling me that I need to stop losing weight, or that it is fine to keep losing weight, because it isnt' about the weight anymore. This is about self destructive thinking. I HATE MAINTENANCE! I hate the way I feel. This really is wreaking havoc on me. I think this is why I am so tired all the time. I am always fighting a war...with myself...with food...with work...with running. Is this battle EVER over?
I was supposed to be happy this weekend. I lost 100 pounds. I am wearing (right now) a size 4. But instead of smiles, there are only tears. And not tears of joy. We drove out to Sunriver on Saturday to check out the course that I would be running in the half marathon and I was kind of giddy over the fact that I officially saw that 150 on the scale. Food was NOT on my mind. Then DH decided he was hungry and we stopped at Wendy's to eat. That is when it started. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty and I seriously get sick to my stomach. What the hell am I going to eat at fast food. I know...just know... that the moment anything from that restaurant touches my lips I am going to gain back all of the weight. I am going to stand up from the booth an be back to 250 pounds. People are going to point and laugh. So I stood in front of the nutritional chart posted on the wall and stared at it. Reading EVERY single entry and wretching at the amount of calories in everything. Finally I settle on the ultimate grilled chicken sandwich (260 calories)...but I still think that is too high...so I order it plain. Yep...just the bun and the chicken breast. The lady behind the counter (who weighed at least 300 pounds) looked at me like I was crazy. I get my order and while DH is consuming his burger I am trying to convince myself that I can eat this and not get sick. 2 bites into it I through the top part of the bun away. I tell DH it is because it is going to get stuck because it is too bready, but in reality...I don't want the calories. I am afraid. Terrified. Panicked by this point.
We left and my mood had certainly soured. We got to Sunriver and DH went in and got something to drink at the local store. By this point I had calmed down some and we drove the course. By now the self doubt had crept in and I am thinking that there is no way in hell that I am going to be able to run this....though it is no harder than the canyon I run 4 times per week. Then the worst part of the weekend happened. We finished driving the course and we started walking around the town. We walked past one of the restaurants that is in this little shopping village and there is a very thin/petite woman eating an ENORMOUS bowl of pasta with cream sauce, then we walk past the ice cream shop and yet another thin woman was standing there eating ice cream, and finally on our way back to the car we passed the grocery store where a woman (very thin) was eating a snickers bar. I started crying and DH didn't have a clue what was going on. By the time we got to the car I was sobbing. Finally after catching my breath I told him that no matter how hard I worked, I would always be a fat woman. Even though I am thin on the outside, I am still FAT, and always will be a fat person on the inside. I am addicted to food. I can't eat just one candy bar...one plate of pasta...one ice cream cone. It won't stop there. DH of course didn't buy it until I threw out the phrase "Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic." He kind of stopped short. He knew there was no point in arguing with me. I don't want to go back to the way of eating that I did before, but I also don't want to fear (like you fear a serial killer standing right in front of you) food forever. Will this feeling ever go away? The whole way back we were talking about the fact that I need to increase my calories, because I am afraid the PS will not do the TT if I am not at a stable weight. But I am resistant to increasing because of my HORRIBLE fear of gaining any weight. I want a magic number. That number where I know I won't gain or lose weight...and it doesn't exist. I had that magic number the entire time I was losing weight. If I was below 1000 calories...I lost. It was that simple. Now my safety net is gone. So basically I was sitting in the car throwing a temper tantrum. He says I have to eat 1800 calories...not under. Of course the entire time I am thinking how can I figure out a way to NOT eat that many...but stil knowing that I have to STOP losing weight. Then I figure if he makes me eat this much then I will just run more. But then I think... I don't want to lose any more weight...I just don't want to gain. I am perfectly fine where I am, but I just don't want to change. So the story gets worse. Skip forward to breakfast yesterday morning and we had waffles...Let's talk about a big baby coming out. I threw food...yep threw my turkey sausage across the kitchen because I freaked out over the calories in 1 waffle. What the fuck is wrong with me? Then the tears came....Like Niagra falls. I was on the floor in hysterics. And there was DH...just holding me and letting me cry. Yeah...I have a problem...you don't need to tell me. But we are broke...and I can't afford therapy. DH keeps telling me that gaining and losing 2-4 pounds is just something that I have to get used to...Well I don't know that I can. I gained all my weight 2-4 pounds at a time. I honestly don't believe that I am anorexic. I don't look fat to me. I don't want to keep losing weight...I just have this crippling fear that I am going to gain it all back. Maybe this is okay. Maybe this is just the reality that I have to accept. Maybe once I do that the anxiety this fear causes me will go away. Maybe accepting the fact that I will never be able to eat like a "thin" person and mourning that discovery, will lead me past all these awful fears and stop the crying.
I pretty much didn't sleep last night because I keep thinking about everything that happened this weekend. I had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I came to the conclusion that I am still fat...it just doesn't show on the outside...only on the inside...and I don't know which one is more dangerous. I am more obsessed with food now that I was before surgery. Before, my obsession with food came from a lack of caring about it....NOW it is ALL I think about. I need to figure a way to get a grip. I need to find the so called balance that DH keeps talking about. Great, I need to find a balance... Now how in the hell do I do that? I need people to stop telling me that I need to stop losing weight, or that it is fine to keep losing weight, because it isnt' about the weight anymore. This is about self destructive thinking. I HATE MAINTENANCE! I hate the way I feel. This really is wreaking havoc on me. I think this is why I am so tired all the time. I am always fighting a war...with myself...with food...with work...with running. Is this battle EVER over?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Another dozen!
And I ran the entire first 10 miles. I think I am figuring out the graphs on the nike+. At the end of the 10 miles I slowed way down so that I could get a water bottle from DH and then dropped the damn thing. I think that accounts for the drastic drop at 10 miles.
I am a little sore today and really, really tired. On a good note though...I got this half-marathon. I think I could have ran the entire 12 miles today, but I need to have goals for the next few runs. Next week is 11 miles, the following week is 12 miles...running the whole time.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A picture is worth a thousand words
I have always said that if I fit in a size 4 that I would wear that pants inside out and take a picture....Well here they are!!!
100 POUNDS GONE!
I have seen this number once before this week, but today is my official weigh in day and....
I LOST 100 POUNDS IN 9.5 MONTHS!
So excited...we are off to do some "window shopping" for clothes. I am not buying anything before the TT, but I would like to know what size I am in. Currently my size 10's look like clown clothes according to my students! Here is hoping for a size 6!
I LOST 100 POUNDS IN 9.5 MONTHS!
So excited...we are off to do some "window shopping" for clothes. I am not buying anything before the TT, but I would like to know what size I am in. Currently my size 10's look like clown clothes according to my students! Here is hoping for a size 6!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Back in Form
So after some sleep but another 11+ hour day at work, I did get my run in. Now this time the drastic drop was not me wimping out and walking, but rather sprintining! Well...sprinting for me. I was at 7 mph but I think my strides were so big (like when I walk quickly) that it registered it as that. I need to remember to short step...then maybe the line will go in the correct direction!
Sleep...I needed Sleep
I think I figured out my problem...I was exhausted. I have been working from about 4:15 AM until 4PM this entire week and all of last. My body was tired. I went to bed at 6:30 on Wednesday and took a 4 hour nap yesterday (very rare for me) and I feel sooooooo much better today. I am going to run today come hell or high water! It is raining outside so I might have to do this on the treadmill, but I might push myself to go into the rain as well. I have to be prepared for any and all weather conditions. As long as it is not windy I think I am going to run outside. As you can tell I am rambling!
Next week is a new week. I am going on a new training schedule 3 short (HA!) 4 mile runs and 1 long run on Sunday. That way the time commitment isn't as great. I can do 4 miles in less than an hour so even with a 12 hour workday that is doable. Only 3 weeks left of school...THANK GOD! Then I will have 2 full weeks to prepare for the half marathon. I will be able to do my runs in the morning and have the rest of the day to relax and rest the legs.
Thanks to everyone for the encouragement...It means a lot!
Next week is a new week. I am going on a new training schedule 3 short (HA!) 4 mile runs and 1 long run on Sunday. That way the time commitment isn't as great. I can do 4 miles in less than an hour so even with a 12 hour workday that is doable. Only 3 weeks left of school...THANK GOD! Then I will have 2 full weeks to prepare for the half marathon. I will be able to do my runs in the morning and have the rest of the day to relax and rest the legs.
Thanks to everyone for the encouragement...It means a lot!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Body Stopped Working
...and this time I was fully hydrated. My body just wouldn't run yesterday. I was supposed to do 8 miles...and I did 3. Damn! I even tried walking and my legs were just fatigued. So I got off the treadmill. It was gusting 42 mph winds outside...no way I was running out there! Today was supposed to be a rest day, but seeing that I didn't get crap done yesterday I am going to eliptical for an hour. Tomorrow I run 4 miles then rest Saturday to prepare for the big 12 miler again on Sunday.
Edited: Here is the run I did...the drastic drop was when I started walking.
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