Back to Running

I forgot to post about my run on Thursday. I a crazy new thing on the treadmill...No I will NOT be doing this again. I was trying for speed and pretty much wanted to die.

Yesterday I just DID NOT want to go to the gym or workout. I was exhausted...this has been quite the emotional week! So I went to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would go and run at least 3 miles this morning. I thought that my 5K run was today...but nope it is tomorrow. So that throws my training schedule off! But anyways...I got up this morning and did 7 miles. I ran 4, walked 2, and ran the last 1.

Tomorrow I think I am going to go run the 5K race and then we are going to go to the canyon and I will run/walk the last 9 miles for training. It isn't the perfect situation in that it won't be consecutive miles, but I guess that is what we will have to do.

I found the perfect description of me!

1. Abnormal preoccupation with ists, rules, and minor details ( yep!)
2. Excessive devotion to work (yep, yep, yep...I think getting to work at 4:30 Am and staying until 4Pm pretty much confirms that one!)
3. Stinginess with money even on essentials (Yep...I have a budget that is as strict as my menu!)
4. Perfectionism that interferes with taske completion as performance is never good enough (yep...it took my 5 hours to write my last test...and I still thought it was horrible. Oh yeah...3 of those hours were specifically on formatting!)
5. Refusal to throw anything away (not as much me...but I still have 6+ boxes of Christmas ornaments that I have been dragging around since my mom died...hmm...maybe!)
6. Rigid and inflexibe attitudes(yep that is me. Black or white... 100 snickers bars or NONE...nothing in between)
7. Upset and off-balance when rules or established routines are disrupted (hmmm...maintenance and increasing calories anyone!!!!)

So with the help of DH's degree in psychology we have come to the conclusion that I am most likely suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not to be confused with OCD where people wash their hands 110 times per day. There are similarities, but the major difference is the people with OCD know that what they are doing is abnormal, where people like me see their thoughts as totally rational.

I honestly don't see the problem in NEVER eating a snickers bar or NEVER eating McDonalds again. I know that I a lot of people see that as an unhealthy thought...but I just can't accept that. I don't see the irrationality of thinking that if I don't count my calories that I am going to end up back at 250 pounds. I guess that I know they are irrational because others tell me that they are...but in my head...I can totally justify them and see the logic in my thinking.

So what am I going to do about this since I can't afford therapy right now. Well...we went and bought a couple of books that have to deal with perfectionism. There are not a lot of books publsihed on OCPD, but most sources will send you to help with perfectionism because that is the closest connection. I bought the book last night and started reading the introduction. I felt like I was reading my biography. It was kind of freaky! I am going to read the entire book and then go back through and start doing the exercises. Of course it tells you that you don't have to do the exercise PERFECTLY...which I guess is an exercise in itself.

Buh Bye Scale

This is where my scale used to sit. But alas it has gone away. I don't know where it is...DH took it away from me...and I feel so much better. For the first time in weeks I don't have this nagging urge to step on the scale and see if the number is going to make me happy or piss me off. For the first time in 9.5 months....I am not defined by a number. After a LOT of soul searching and crying on the shoulders of my friends I decided this was the best thing I could do. There really is no way that I am going to gain weight if I am running 4 times per week and doing cross-training 1-2 days per week if I stick to the 1800 calories. I have proven that over the last several weeks!

Right now I feel so calm...but I know the anxiety and panic of not being able to weigh will set in. I am going to go to the library and see if I can get a few books on how to handle anxiety and fear. Perhaps that will help.

Today was my day off from running/working out and it feels nice. Tomorrow I am back out to the canyon (hopefully...we have had torrential downpours here!) to run 4+ miles.

5 miles

The challenge is on...I have to double LJM to have any hope at this when I have to take a 6 week hiatus for the TT. Don't worry...I will be pulling out the whip and cracking from Oregon to Texas. This is one challenge I actually want to lose! But I am not going to make it easy!

Tiger Woods congratulated me on my fastest mile yet! I love the nike+. I forgot to shut off the system when I got off the treadmill and went to get wipes to clean it. That is the drastic drop at the end.

Why am I NOT happy????

This is deep and dark...This is part of the "UGLY" I said might come.

I was supposed to be happy this weekend. I lost 100 pounds. I am wearing (right now) a size 4. But instead of smiles, there are only tears. And not tears of joy. We drove out to Sunriver on Saturday to check out the course that I would be running in the half marathon and I was kind of giddy over the fact that I officially saw that 150 on the scale. Food was NOT on my mind. Then DH decided he was hungry and we stopped at Wendy's to eat. That is when it started. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty and I seriously get sick to my stomach. What the hell am I going to eat at fast food. I know...just know... that the moment anything from that restaurant touches my lips I am going to gain back all of the weight. I am going to stand up from the booth an be back to 250 pounds. People are going to point and laugh. So I stood in front of the nutritional chart posted on the wall and stared at it. Reading EVERY single entry and wretching at the amount of calories in everything. Finally I settle on the ultimate grilled chicken sandwich (260 calories)...but I still think that is too high...so I order it plain. Yep...just the bun and the chicken breast. The lady behind the counter (who weighed at least 300 pounds) looked at me like I was crazy. I get my order and while DH is consuming his burger I am trying to convince myself that I can eat this and not get sick. 2 bites into it I through the top part of the bun away. I tell DH it is because it is going to get stuck because it is too bready, but in reality...I don't want the calories. I am afraid. Terrified. Panicked by this point.

We left and my mood had certainly soured. We got to Sunriver and DH went in and got something to drink at the local store. By this point I had calmed down some and we drove the course. By now the self doubt had crept in and I am thinking that there is no way in hell that I am going to be able to run this....though it is no harder than the canyon I run 4 times per week. Then the worst part of the weekend happened. We finished driving the course and we started walking around the town. We walked past one of the restaurants that is in this little shopping village and there is a very thin/petite woman eating an ENORMOUS bowl of pasta with cream sauce, then we walk past the ice cream shop and yet another thin woman was standing there eating ice cream, and finally on our way back to the car we passed the grocery store where a woman (very thin) was eating a snickers bar. I started crying and DH didn't have a clue what was going on. By the time we got to the car I was sobbing. Finally after catching my breath I told him that no matter how hard I worked, I would always be a fat woman. Even though I am thin on the outside, I am still FAT, and always will be a fat person on the inside. I am addicted to food. I can't eat just one candy bar...one plate of pasta...one ice cream cone. It won't stop there. DH of course didn't buy it until I threw out the phrase "Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic." He kind of stopped short. He knew there was no point in arguing with me. I don't want to go back to the way of eating that I did before, but I also don't want to fear (like you fear a serial killer standing right in front of you) food forever. Will this feeling ever go away? The whole way back we were talking about the fact that I need to increase my calories, because I am afraid the PS will not do the TT if I am not at a stable weight. But I am resistant to increasing because of my HORRIBLE fear of gaining any weight. I want a magic number. That number where I know I won't gain or lose weight...and it doesn't exist. I had that magic number the entire time I was losing weight. If I was below 1000 calories...I lost. It was that simple. Now my safety net is gone. So basically I was sitting in the car throwing a temper tantrum. He says I have to eat 1800 calories...not under. Of course the entire time I am thinking how can I figure out a way to NOT eat that many...but stil knowing that I have to STOP losing weight. Then I figure if he makes me eat this much then I will just run more. But then I think... I don't want to lose any more weight...I just don't want to gain. I am perfectly fine where I am, but I just don't want to change. So the story gets worse. Skip forward to breakfast yesterday morning and we had waffles...Let's talk about a big baby coming out. I threw food...yep threw my turkey sausage across the kitchen because I freaked out over the calories in 1 waffle. What the fuck is wrong with me? Then the tears came....Like Niagra falls. I was on the floor in hysterics. And there was DH...just holding me and letting me cry. Yeah...I have a problem...you don't need to tell me. But we are broke...and I can't afford therapy. DH keeps telling me that gaining and losing 2-4 pounds is just something that I have to get used to...Well I don't know that I can. I gained all my weight 2-4 pounds at a time. I honestly don't believe that I am anorexic. I don't look fat to me. I don't want to keep losing weight...I just have this crippling fear that I am going to gain it all back. Maybe this is okay. Maybe this is just the reality that I have to accept. Maybe once I do that the anxiety this fear causes me will go away. Maybe accepting the fact that I will never be able to eat like a "thin" person and mourning that discovery, will lead me past all these awful fears and stop the crying.

I pretty much didn't sleep last night because I keep thinking about everything that happened this weekend. I had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I came to the conclusion that I am still fat...it just doesn't show on the outside...only on the inside...and I don't know which one is more dangerous. I am more obsessed with food now that I was before surgery. Before, my obsession with food came from a lack of caring about it....NOW it is ALL I think about. I need to figure a way to get a grip. I need to find the so called balance that DH keeps talking about. Great, I need to find a balance... Now how in the hell do I do that? I need people to stop telling me that I need to stop losing weight, or that it is fine to keep losing weight, because it isnt' about the weight anymore. This is about self destructive thinking. I HATE MAINTENANCE! I hate the way I feel. This really is wreaking havoc on me. I think this is why I am so tired all the time. I am always fighting a war...with myself...with food...with work...with running. Is this battle EVER over?

Another dozen!

And I ran the entire first 10 miles. I think I am figuring out the graphs on the nike+. At the end of the 10 miles I slowed way down so that I could get a water bottle from DH and then dropped the damn thing. I think that accounts for the drastic drop at 10 miles.

I am a little sore today and really, really tired. On a good note though...I got this half-marathon. I think I could have ran the entire 12 miles today, but I need to have goals for the next few runs. Next week is 11 miles, the following week is 12 miles...running the whole time.

A picture is worth a thousand words

I have always said that if I fit in a size 4 that I would wear that pants inside out and take a picture....Well here they are!!!

So much for window shopping. I couldn't help but buy these. This isn't a fluke either. 2 stores...3 pairs of pants and 1 skirt...all size 4. HOLY CRAP THEY FIT! 100 pounds and 20 sizes in 9.5 months!Now my question is...what the hell size am I am going to be after surgery?????