Food Demons

Today was just one of those days. The type of day that makes me think that I am never going to win this battle. I ate all the right foods, in the right proportions but mentally I always think that I am doing it wrong, that I am going to screw up and pile the weight right back on. I never want to be there again. I don't want to be hidden underneath 90+ pounds of fat. I have not found anyone on my online support group or my inperson support group that is at maintenance yet. The people at the in person support group are cycling in their weightloss. They have lost to goal, then gained weight, then lost it, and are constantly "dieting". I don't want that. WHy is it is so damn hard to just figure out how many calories one needs in order to survive??? Just give me a damn number and I will eat that amount and that amount only. I LIVE FOR RULES! I have so many people telling me that I need to stop losing weight (some for medical reasons with the TT). For the most part my friends/co-workers are thinking that I am getting too thin. Well I am no skin and bones that is for damn sure. I am pretty positive that people who didn't know me prior to my weight loss would not think I am too skinny, but when you are used to seeing me walking around as big as an elephant, yeah I probably do look small. I get really frustrated when people say "I WISH I had that problem". That is what I am getting from a lot of people who are still losing weight, or need to lose weight. I look at them and say...I hope you never do have this problem. It frustrates the hell out of me that people dismiss what I am going through because it is a good problem to have. Yes, I am eccstatic that I have lost all this weight and gotten to where I am, but damnit this is an issue to, and if you don't know how to show support or give advice, fine, but don't minimalize my problems.

Every week there has been excitement stepping on that scale and seeing it go down. I have not had one week where it has not gone down at least .5 pounds. Now I am supposed to get on that damn scale and be EXCITED when it doesn't move. Screw that! I am hoping that the tummy tuck will help some of the body image issues, because as you can see from the picture below, I look hideous. However, I dont' think it will. I am so obsessive about my calories. I weigh and measure everything that goes in my mouth. Right now I just had some tomatoes with dinner and I am trying to figure out about how many I ate because I didn't weigh them. I know STUPID. But when you have come this far, the mere thought of going back to that 250 pounds person is the scariest thing that could happen. I would rather be killed in some sort of horrific accident that every become that person that was buried under all that fat. I know what it is like to live life now and not feel like you are dissapointing everyone because all you can do is shove food in your mouth and look like a beached whale. I don't want to be that person that can't fit in the rides at an amusement park or can barely walk around all day without agonizing pain. Disney World was a blast when I went, but I can't even tell you how miserable I was inside (But yes Tina, if you are reading this, I still did have a great time). But now I want to go back because I could walk Epcot 93 times and not blink an eye. So when everyone is freaking out because I count calories feverishly and telling me to chill all the time, it does get frustrating. When people tell me ...it is okay to gain a pound here or there, well...I did that...I gained a pound here or there until I was morbidly obese. As my band mommy told me today "we want to be winners" and when I see a gain on that scale, I am not going to feel like a winner...and I am afraid as to how I will handle it.

I am hoping that someday this new maintenance eating will become just as second nature as the weightloss portion. But right now this is the toughest mental thing I have ever gone through. Well I am going to my exercise therapy (running 4 miles tonight. YIKES!)