1. Abnormal preoccupation with ists, rules, and minor details ( yep!)
2. Excessive devotion to work (yep, yep, yep...I think getting to work at 4:30 Am and staying until 4Pm pretty much confirms that one!)
3. Stinginess with money even on essentials (Yep...I have a budget that is as strict as my menu!)
4. Perfectionism that interferes with taske completion as performance is never good enough (yep...it took my 5 hours to write my last test...and I still thought it was horrible. Oh yeah...3 of those hours were specifically on formatting!)
5. Refusal to throw anything away (not as much me...but I still have 6+ boxes of Christmas ornaments that I have been dragging around since my mom died...hmm...maybe!)
6. Rigid and inflexibe attitudes(yep that is me. Black or white... 100 snickers bars or NONE...nothing in between)
7. Upset and off-balance when rules or established routines are disrupted (hmmm...maintenance and increasing calories anyone!!!!)
So with the help of DH's degree in psychology we have come to the conclusion that I am most likely suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not to be confused with OCD where people wash their hands 110 times per day. There are similarities, but the major difference is the people with OCD know that what they are doing is abnormal, where people like me see their thoughts as totally rational.
I honestly don't see the problem in NEVER eating a snickers bar or NEVER eating McDonalds again. I know that I a lot of people see that as an unhealthy thought...but I just can't accept that. I don't see the irrationality of thinking that if I don't count my calories that I am going to end up back at 250 pounds. I guess that I know they are irrational because others tell me that they are...but in my head...I can totally justify them and see the logic in my thinking.
So what am I going to do about this since I can't afford therapy right now. Well...we went and bought a couple of books that have to deal with perfectionism. There are not a lot of books publsihed on OCPD, but most sources will send you to help with perfectionism because that is the closest connection. I bought the book last night and started reading the introduction. I felt like I was reading my biography. It was kind of freaky! I am going to read the entire book and then go back through and start doing the exercises. Of course it tells you that you don't have to do the exercise PERFECTLY...which I guess is an exercise in itself.
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3 comments:
Self-diagnosis can be tricky :) Did your DH bust out the DSM? One thing I remember learning about OCPD is that those who have it are often so controlled by their need for perfection that they never actually get anything done. It's amazing what a person remembers from abnormal psych... that was my favorite class!
I'm glad you were able to find some literature on perfectionism and how to cope with it. Sometimes we try to control every aspect of our lives to prevent any "surprises" ... but they can be what makes one's life a life, right?
~AM
Yep...he dug out the DSM IV! Blew some dust off of it and started reading. I don't know that I have this particular disorder, but I know I suffer from perfectionism at minimum. My therapist told me that when I was in Vegas.
I do get things done, but I go to work at 4:30Am and get no more done then if I showed up at 6:30...yet I still do it. It is crazy! Then when I do get it done, it is NEVER what I want because I spent so much time agonizing over whether anyone will notice that I moved the margins or used size 11 font. Like the kids give a crap! Grrrrrr...
Now add my control and obsessive counting and recounting of calories and I have put myself into pretty much a full time panic attack...hence throwing a sausage across the kitchen :(
Yeah...I am not so much into surprises. Kind of makes life a little sad living like that. When it comes to Christmas I will analzye where people have said they have been, the questions they ask me, and sites visited on websites to try and figure out my presents...So far I have never been surprised at Christmas. But alas I don't tell anyone that I have done this because they will change their ways and I won't be able to figure it out. Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself!
Hmmm....I'm going to get some books now. As you know, I too, love to have everything perfect. This was evident at Jack's first b-day party when I was upset about being 3 minutes late. Of course, you were cool because you GET IT, but you know...not many people do.
This is also a problem when I feel guilt about not being able to breastfeed Jack when he was little and THAT is why he got a cold at 3 years old. It couldn't possibly have been from some kid at school...blah, blah, blah. This is why, when William was born ONLY TWO DAYS AGO, I cleaned my own hospital room, changed his outfit twice, actually considered doing my hair and make-up (thank God the nurse talked me out of that), and even tried to move furniture because something looked "off". I'm NUTS!
Anyway, I'll be looking into some literature :) Love ya, and will send pics of the baby soon!
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