Back to Running

I forgot to post about my run on Thursday. I a crazy new thing on the treadmill...No I will NOT be doing this again. I was trying for speed and pretty much wanted to die.

Yesterday I just DID NOT want to go to the gym or workout. I was exhausted...this has been quite the emotional week! So I went to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would go and run at least 3 miles this morning. I thought that my 5K run was today...but nope it is tomorrow. So that throws my training schedule off! But anyways...I got up this morning and did 7 miles. I ran 4, walked 2, and ran the last 1.

Tomorrow I think I am going to go run the 5K race and then we are going to go to the canyon and I will run/walk the last 9 miles for training. It isn't the perfect situation in that it won't be consecutive miles, but I guess that is what we will have to do.

I found the perfect description of me!

1. Abnormal preoccupation with ists, rules, and minor details ( yep!)
2. Excessive devotion to work (yep, yep, yep...I think getting to work at 4:30 Am and staying until 4Pm pretty much confirms that one!)
3. Stinginess with money even on essentials (Yep...I have a budget that is as strict as my menu!)
4. Perfectionism that interferes with taske completion as performance is never good enough (yep...it took my 5 hours to write my last test...and I still thought it was horrible. Oh yeah...3 of those hours were specifically on formatting!)
5. Refusal to throw anything away (not as much me...but I still have 6+ boxes of Christmas ornaments that I have been dragging around since my mom died...hmm...maybe!)
6. Rigid and inflexibe attitudes(yep that is me. Black or white... 100 snickers bars or NONE...nothing in between)
7. Upset and off-balance when rules or established routines are disrupted (hmmm...maintenance and increasing calories anyone!!!!)

So with the help of DH's degree in psychology we have come to the conclusion that I am most likely suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not to be confused with OCD where people wash their hands 110 times per day. There are similarities, but the major difference is the people with OCD know that what they are doing is abnormal, where people like me see their thoughts as totally rational.

I honestly don't see the problem in NEVER eating a snickers bar or NEVER eating McDonalds again. I know that I a lot of people see that as an unhealthy thought...but I just can't accept that. I don't see the irrationality of thinking that if I don't count my calories that I am going to end up back at 250 pounds. I guess that I know they are irrational because others tell me that they are...but in my head...I can totally justify them and see the logic in my thinking.

So what am I going to do about this since I can't afford therapy right now. Well...we went and bought a couple of books that have to deal with perfectionism. There are not a lot of books publsihed on OCPD, but most sources will send you to help with perfectionism because that is the closest connection. I bought the book last night and started reading the introduction. I felt like I was reading my biography. It was kind of freaky! I am going to read the entire book and then go back through and start doing the exercises. Of course it tells you that you don't have to do the exercise PERFECTLY...which I guess is an exercise in itself.

Buh Bye Scale

This is where my scale used to sit. But alas it has gone away. I don't know where it is...DH took it away from me...and I feel so much better. For the first time in weeks I don't have this nagging urge to step on the scale and see if the number is going to make me happy or piss me off. For the first time in 9.5 months....I am not defined by a number. After a LOT of soul searching and crying on the shoulders of my friends I decided this was the best thing I could do. There really is no way that I am going to gain weight if I am running 4 times per week and doing cross-training 1-2 days per week if I stick to the 1800 calories. I have proven that over the last several weeks!

Right now I feel so calm...but I know the anxiety and panic of not being able to weigh will set in. I am going to go to the library and see if I can get a few books on how to handle anxiety and fear. Perhaps that will help.

Today was my day off from running/working out and it feels nice. Tomorrow I am back out to the canyon (hopefully...we have had torrential downpours here!) to run 4+ miles.

5 miles

The challenge is on...I have to double LJM to have any hope at this when I have to take a 6 week hiatus for the TT. Don't worry...I will be pulling out the whip and cracking from Oregon to Texas. This is one challenge I actually want to lose! But I am not going to make it easy!

Tiger Woods congratulated me on my fastest mile yet! I love the nike+. I forgot to shut off the system when I got off the treadmill and went to get wipes to clean it. That is the drastic drop at the end.

Why am I NOT happy????

This is deep and dark...This is part of the "UGLY" I said might come.

I was supposed to be happy this weekend. I lost 100 pounds. I am wearing (right now) a size 4. But instead of smiles, there are only tears. And not tears of joy. We drove out to Sunriver on Saturday to check out the course that I would be running in the half marathon and I was kind of giddy over the fact that I officially saw that 150 on the scale. Food was NOT on my mind. Then DH decided he was hungry and we stopped at Wendy's to eat. That is when it started. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty and I seriously get sick to my stomach. What the hell am I going to eat at fast food. I know...just know... that the moment anything from that restaurant touches my lips I am going to gain back all of the weight. I am going to stand up from the booth an be back to 250 pounds. People are going to point and laugh. So I stood in front of the nutritional chart posted on the wall and stared at it. Reading EVERY single entry and wretching at the amount of calories in everything. Finally I settle on the ultimate grilled chicken sandwich (260 calories)...but I still think that is too high...so I order it plain. Yep...just the bun and the chicken breast. The lady behind the counter (who weighed at least 300 pounds) looked at me like I was crazy. I get my order and while DH is consuming his burger I am trying to convince myself that I can eat this and not get sick. 2 bites into it I through the top part of the bun away. I tell DH it is because it is going to get stuck because it is too bready, but in reality...I don't want the calories. I am afraid. Terrified. Panicked by this point.

We left and my mood had certainly soured. We got to Sunriver and DH went in and got something to drink at the local store. By this point I had calmed down some and we drove the course. By now the self doubt had crept in and I am thinking that there is no way in hell that I am going to be able to run this....though it is no harder than the canyon I run 4 times per week. Then the worst part of the weekend happened. We finished driving the course and we started walking around the town. We walked past one of the restaurants that is in this little shopping village and there is a very thin/petite woman eating an ENORMOUS bowl of pasta with cream sauce, then we walk past the ice cream shop and yet another thin woman was standing there eating ice cream, and finally on our way back to the car we passed the grocery store where a woman (very thin) was eating a snickers bar. I started crying and DH didn't have a clue what was going on. By the time we got to the car I was sobbing. Finally after catching my breath I told him that no matter how hard I worked, I would always be a fat woman. Even though I am thin on the outside, I am still FAT, and always will be a fat person on the inside. I am addicted to food. I can't eat just one candy bar...one plate of pasta...one ice cream cone. It won't stop there. DH of course didn't buy it until I threw out the phrase "Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic." He kind of stopped short. He knew there was no point in arguing with me. I don't want to go back to the way of eating that I did before, but I also don't want to fear (like you fear a serial killer standing right in front of you) food forever. Will this feeling ever go away? The whole way back we were talking about the fact that I need to increase my calories, because I am afraid the PS will not do the TT if I am not at a stable weight. But I am resistant to increasing because of my HORRIBLE fear of gaining any weight. I want a magic number. That number where I know I won't gain or lose weight...and it doesn't exist. I had that magic number the entire time I was losing weight. If I was below 1000 calories...I lost. It was that simple. Now my safety net is gone. So basically I was sitting in the car throwing a temper tantrum. He says I have to eat 1800 calories...not under. Of course the entire time I am thinking how can I figure out a way to NOT eat that many...but stil knowing that I have to STOP losing weight. Then I figure if he makes me eat this much then I will just run more. But then I think... I don't want to lose any more weight...I just don't want to gain. I am perfectly fine where I am, but I just don't want to change. So the story gets worse. Skip forward to breakfast yesterday morning and we had waffles...Let's talk about a big baby coming out. I threw food...yep threw my turkey sausage across the kitchen because I freaked out over the calories in 1 waffle. What the fuck is wrong with me? Then the tears came....Like Niagra falls. I was on the floor in hysterics. And there was DH...just holding me and letting me cry. Yeah...I have a problem...you don't need to tell me. But we are broke...and I can't afford therapy. DH keeps telling me that gaining and losing 2-4 pounds is just something that I have to get used to...Well I don't know that I can. I gained all my weight 2-4 pounds at a time. I honestly don't believe that I am anorexic. I don't look fat to me. I don't want to keep losing weight...I just have this crippling fear that I am going to gain it all back. Maybe this is okay. Maybe this is just the reality that I have to accept. Maybe once I do that the anxiety this fear causes me will go away. Maybe accepting the fact that I will never be able to eat like a "thin" person and mourning that discovery, will lead me past all these awful fears and stop the crying.

I pretty much didn't sleep last night because I keep thinking about everything that happened this weekend. I had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I came to the conclusion that I am still fat...it just doesn't show on the outside...only on the inside...and I don't know which one is more dangerous. I am more obsessed with food now that I was before surgery. Before, my obsession with food came from a lack of caring about it....NOW it is ALL I think about. I need to figure a way to get a grip. I need to find the so called balance that DH keeps talking about. Great, I need to find a balance... Now how in the hell do I do that? I need people to stop telling me that I need to stop losing weight, or that it is fine to keep losing weight, because it isnt' about the weight anymore. This is about self destructive thinking. I HATE MAINTENANCE! I hate the way I feel. This really is wreaking havoc on me. I think this is why I am so tired all the time. I am always fighting a war...with myself...with food...with work...with running. Is this battle EVER over?

Another dozen!

And I ran the entire first 10 miles. I think I am figuring out the graphs on the nike+. At the end of the 10 miles I slowed way down so that I could get a water bottle from DH and then dropped the damn thing. I think that accounts for the drastic drop at 10 miles.

I am a little sore today and really, really tired. On a good note though...I got this half-marathon. I think I could have ran the entire 12 miles today, but I need to have goals for the next few runs. Next week is 11 miles, the following week is 12 miles...running the whole time.

A picture is worth a thousand words

I have always said that if I fit in a size 4 that I would wear that pants inside out and take a picture....Well here they are!!!

So much for window shopping. I couldn't help but buy these. This isn't a fluke either. 2 stores...3 pairs of pants and 1 skirt...all size 4. HOLY CRAP THEY FIT! 100 pounds and 20 sizes in 9.5 months!Now my question is...what the hell size am I am going to be after surgery?????

100 POUNDS GONE!

I have seen this number once before this week, but today is my official weigh in day and....

I LOST 100 POUNDS IN 9.5 MONTHS!

So excited...we are off to do some "window shopping" for clothes. I am not buying anything before the TT, but I would like to know what size I am in. Currently my size 10's look like clown clothes according to my students! Here is hoping for a size 6!

Back in Form

So after some sleep but another 11+ hour day at work, I did get my run in. Now this time the drastic drop was not me wimping out and walking, but rather sprintining! Well...sprinting for me. I was at 7 mph but I think my strides were so big (like when I walk quickly) that it registered it as that. I need to remember to short step...then maybe the line will go in the correct direction!

Sleep...I needed Sleep

I think I figured out my problem...I was exhausted. I have been working from about 4:15 AM until 4PM this entire week and all of last. My body was tired. I went to bed at 6:30 on Wednesday and took a 4 hour nap yesterday (very rare for me) and I feel sooooooo much better today. I am going to run today come hell or high water! It is raining outside so I might have to do this on the treadmill, but I might push myself to go into the rain as well. I have to be prepared for any and all weather conditions. As long as it is not windy I think I am going to run outside. As you can tell I am rambling!

Next week is a new week. I am going on a new training schedule 3 short (HA!) 4 mile runs and 1 long run on Sunday. That way the time commitment isn't as great. I can do 4 miles in less than an hour so even with a 12 hour workday that is doable. Only 3 weeks left of school...THANK GOD! Then I will have 2 full weeks to prepare for the half marathon. I will be able to do my runs in the morning and have the rest of the day to relax and rest the legs.

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement...It means a lot!

Body Stopped Working

...and this time I was fully hydrated. My body just wouldn't run yesterday. I was supposed to do 8 miles...and I did 3. Damn! I even tried walking and my legs were just fatigued. So I got off the treadmill. It was gusting 42 mph winds outside...no way I was running out there! Today was supposed to be a rest day, but seeing that I didn't get crap done yesterday I am going to eliptical for an hour. Tomorrow I run 4 miles then rest Saturday to prepare for the big 12 miler again on Sunday.

Edited: Here is the run I did...the drastic drop was when I started walking.

Holy CRAP I did it!

12 glorious miles....12...can you believe it?!? And I averaged a 12:09 and that was with walking part of the way! My final time was 2:25:52! Not to freaking bad. I ran 7 miles, walked 1, ran 2, waled 1.3, ran .7! I burned 1392 calories!

I can't believe how far I have come. I am sooooo proud of myself. And I am proud that I can say that I am proud of myself. I have only ever been able to say that one other time in my life and that is when I graduated from college the first time!

My DH is the greatest. He was out there giving me water at every mile. He had his bike and would ride to the "check points" and stand there with water and cheer me on...it was so great... He really does look out for me. Sometimes I get so focused that I don't think about things...that is what he is there for!

Today is a free food day for me. Why you ask...because on Friday I weighed 152 and thought it was a fluke. When I weighed in yesterday 153, but I ate RIGHT before I went to bed. This morning back down to 152. I can't go any lower. And on days like today when I have already burned 1392 calories before 10AM I figure I can't have any FF or LF stuff. I am not going hog wild and sitting down with ice cream (cause that would have me spending the entire day in the bathroom) or candy, fast food, chips, or crap like that. It just means that we are bbq'ing hamburgers tonight and I am actually going to have ground beef. I am even going to put mayo on it...though that will have to be light mayo because that is all we have. I don't know what we are having for lunch, but I am sure DH will make sure that it is reasonable but higher calories than I would normally eat. I don't want to get to the point that I have to put weight ON, so I just have to have these days when I do the long miles. I guess you could say this is a bonus to maintaining (though it makes me nervous!)

Well I hope everyone has a splendid Sunday. I need to do my cooking for the week...once I sit for a while...my legs are sore...wonder why?!?!

What does dehydration look like?

Well I think my nike+ graph will adequately give you a picture.

I only had 1 bottle of water because I had to cover someone elses class during my prep which is when I normally get all of my water in so that I don't have to go to the bathroom during the day. Well I didn't get my water in. I didn't really think anything of it...until I started running. About 3 miles into the run...I cramped up. I tried to run through it but I couldn't I stopped and walked and then ran...cramped up again...walked...ran...walk...ran...walk...called DH to ask him to bring me some water. By the time he got there I was almost ready to pass out. Oh...I didn't mention that it was 90 degrees outside today...probably about 80 when I started running. So basically I only got 8 miles done...4 miles running and 4 miles pretty slow walking. My legs, stomach, back and even feet were cramping up from the dehydration. The heat got to me. I didn't hardly sweat at all...NOT a good sign. So instead of beating myself up I am just moving my LONG run/walk days to Sunday so that I can do them in the morning when it is cool outside. So no 12 miles today...but on Sunday. 8 miles is still nothing to sniff at...that is a long ways. According to my new nike+ I had an average pace of 4.3 miles per hour and burned 930 calories...not too shabby for being crippled the last 2 miles!

It's all mental

Now I have said this more than once, but today, in my scientific endeavor, I discoverd just how mental it is. I set out to do 4 miles today...which I accomplished quite easily. Then I decided that I was going to walk 2 miles because it was nice out today and I figure my legs need the miles. But after walking about 3/4 of the first mile I decided I would run back. Now I had not mentally prepared my self to run another mile today. SO 20 steps into the run...I stopped. My brain decided since I had not thoroughly informed my legs that I would be running an additional mile, that they did not have perform their duties. WHEN THE HELL DID MY LEGS JOIN THE UNION OR GET A LAW DEGREE!!! Seriously I couldn't run.

SO from now on I just need to REALLY think about what I want to run so that I can give them "proper notice" so that they don't revolt! I finally know what those ultra union teachers feel when they have to work outside their contracted hours. (As you can tell my teacher's union pissed me off today! Whole different story).

But I do have fancy graphs to insert here. Hopefully! So the drastic drop in the graph is from the hill that I encounter on my way back! It totally interrupts the flow of my run. They need to remedy that for me!

Not a fun run

Ugh...6 miles SUCKED! I just didn't want to run today. I was supposed to go out to the Canyon this morning and run. But then my DH's sister called and wanted us to meet up with them. Plus I wanted to get the Nike+ so I could be cool like Losing Jusme and post my runs on the website. So we went into the next town, went shopping, went to the musical we were planning to see and then I came home and ran. Well the wind was whipping at home so I can't even imagine what it would have been like in the canyon so I went to the gym for a 6 mile run on the treadmill. If nothing else it is giving me a mental workout...the treadmill is BOORRRINNG! A 1hour 9 minute run and burned 650 calories. Then I had to come home and eat strawberries and granola to try and get my calories up. I had only eaten 1150 for the day and I need to be at around 1800 to try and maintain. I lost another pound this week which isn't necessarily a good thing. My PS really does not want me below 150 going into surgery. I am at 154 now. So I am good and ready to embrace maintenance now. I figure there is no way I am going to gain weight if I stay at 1800 calories and run/walk over 20 miles per week, plus have 2 days of cross training...both which burn around 600 calories.

So the Nike+ seems pretty cool, but I didn't seem to have luck with it this afternoon. I think it was because it was on its side in my shoe. We are going to modify it by attaching some velcro to it tomorrow. That is my DH's job. We are going a little Macgyver on the shoe. I can't wear Nike's and I just bought a 100$ pair of shoes so I was not going to buy the ones that the little transmitter fits into. I think this is going to be a big help when running. Though I did have to break down and buy an ipod. After dealing with these things in class everyday I was totally opposed to them...however this gadget looked like it would really help the running. I think in the long run it will be more useful to me than the body bugg that I was trying to decide if I was going to buy. I am hoping that I will become more and more comfortable with food in the next few months and with the bodybugg I think that I will eventually not need it. The nike+ is something that will be helpful to me wherever I go. I will be able to run in foreign places and not have to worry about how far I have run. Thanks for the heads up LJM!

Don't Adjust Your Monitor

Your eyes do not decieve you...My running ticker DID in fact move 10 miles today. I ran 4, walked 5 and ran the last one...Yes that is right you don't need contacts...I ran the last mile.

My legs hurt like HELL. But I feel on top of the world. I am convinced that while this half-marathon will not be EASY, it is most certainly doable. The worst part of the entire thing was how long it took. (2 hours 9 minutes). The best part of the entire thing was that according to the machines I burned over 1000 calories. I had to start the treadmill 3 times!

I Hate Licorice

Okay not really...that is the problem. I broke down and ate licorice today. My first unfilled band misstep! I would NEVER have tried licorice when filled for fear that it would get stuck and feel like I swallowed a golf ball, but since everything goes down with ease now, I ate it. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

However I am still with in my caloric limit so I didn't totally blow it. Even though I was exhausted tonight I still went out for my 4 mile run. No records set but it felt really great to finish the entire thing. I LOVE SWEATING!

How Did I Get Start

So I have been asked many times how I got started and I thought I would just post this as a main post so that other people could see.

I had lap-band surgery in August 2007 and from that time until January I was BROKE and couldn't afford to go to a gym so I used things that I could cheaply aquire at Wal-Mart. I did the exercise ball, weights, and the Biggest Loser DVD. Then in January I joined the local gym and started by walking 1/2 hour a day. At the end of the first week I knew that walking was not going to cut it if I wanted to really start dropping the weight. So I added running to the mix. The treadmill that I use has a "track" that you can virtually watch yourself walk/run around so I would do everything in .25 mile increments.

Walk comfortably for .25 miles
Speed up for the next segment
Increase incline
Slow down
Speed up

And then I started jogging. The first time I couldn't do more than 0.1 miles. I was so dissappointed, but I kept trying. And soon I had finished .25 miles straight. Then by the end of the next week I was at 0.5 miles. I remember coming home and be so AMAZED because I had just completed my first straight mile. At this point I had NO intention of doing much more. My goal was to run 2 straight miles by my "bandiversary". (Kinda blew that one out of the water!) Finally I was running 1.75 miles at a time, but I got bored of running. I think I have cardio ADD. I don't like doing cardio for long periods of time. (Yes this is posing a challenge for the half-marathon!). Anyways I switched to the eliptical and weights and figured I would pretty much leave running behind. That was actually only about 1 month ago! Then the elipticals were full at the gym when I got there so I got back on the treadmill and decided to try and see if I could run 2 miles and I did. Then the next day it 2.5 miles. Finally I said...I am going to run a 5K or at least die trying. When I did it I got such a high. Then a co-worker told me about the Redmond 5K that I ran in and after that I was TOTALLY hooked. I knew that by running in races I had something to TRAIN for. I have never trained for anything in my life. By having the goal and not just "working out" I get a lot more out of my exercise session. I am a very goal oriented person.

Now I have done this without a trainer, but I don't know that I would recommend that, especially if you have BIG dreams of running a marathon. I am not going to use a trainer for the half-marathon, but I may consider getting one after I have recovered from the TT and start training for the full marathon.

Okay...gotta get to work!

Another Personal Best!!

I finished the Eugene Marathon's 5K race this morning with yet another personal best.

The following is from official Race Results

MY FINISH TIME: 31:42 (personal best!!!!!)

AVERAGE RACE TIME FOR ALL RUNNERS - 35:42 (yeah!!!! I beat the average time!)

OVERALL PLACE 260 out of 522 (pretty much in the middle of the pack! Yeah not dead last!)

DIVISION PLACE (20-29 year olds: both male and female) 31 out of 53 (Not the best, but not last!)

GENDER PLACE 132 out of 322 (Not to freaking shabby!!!)

OFFICIAL PACE TIME: 10:14/mile (Holy Crap, I almost ran 6 miles per hour!!!!)

I was very happy with my outcome today. Unfortunately we don't have pictures because they changed the course on us and I had no way of telling DH so he was in the wrong location to take in progress pictures and by the time he realized it, he didn't get to the finish line on time. He felt horrible! I felt so bad for him. He thought I was going to be upset because there was no one there to cheer me on. However, I figured he wasn't going to make it so I didn't count on him being there. I have another race set up for June 1 and since that one starts and finishes in the same place it won't be a problem.

My foot is much better. I got proper shoes that were fitted for my feet and they did the trick. No foot pain when I was running this morning. My foot is a little sore tonight, but nothing I can't handle.

Half-Marathon training continues this week.

Monday: Weights and 1/2 hour eliptical
Tuesday: 4 mile run outside
Wednesday: Rest day (I have a conference to attend)
Thursday: 4 mile treadmill run followed by 6 mile walk (I have to start building up to 13.1 miles)
Friday: 1 hour eliptical
Saturday: Light exercise (tennis or walking with DH)
Sunday: 6 mile run outside

Phew...Minor Injury!

It appears that I just have a case of tendonitis probably caused by improper shoes. I did go and buy new shoes but because I have a high arch and run primarily on the outside of my feet I need to have "special" shoes.

Doctor did say as long as I didn't run this week he thinks it should be fine to run on Sunday. If there is more pain then I need to come back for x-rays but based on the lack of swelling and the fact that I wasn't getting shooting pains that it was most likely NOT a stress fracture.

We are going to Eugene today and are going to stop in at a local running store there that does gait analysis from a video they shoot while you are running on a treadmill. From there the figure out the best kind of shoe for you to buy. So I will most likely be plunking down at least 100$ today, but it is worth it if I want to do this half marathon.

On a side note...I officially HATE morning workouts. I was fine after 15 minutes on the eliptical...but the first 15 minutes were HELL!

Off to work...Thank goodness NO kids today!